a split second

life is so unpredictable. the only constant is God. the only promises are the promises of God. the only surety is that He is. we know nothing else of what each day will bring.

a little over a week ago, my stepdad and my mom were visiting my stepdad's cousins because one cousin had just tragically lost her husband in a fire. her husband was severely disabled and bedridden. an electrical fire started in their bedroom and quickly spread. the wife, husband and their daughter were all asleep at the time. when the fire began to rage, the daughter jumped out a second story window, severely injuring herself. my stepdad's cousin (the wife) tried desperately to pull her husband out of the burning room. she pulled, she dragged, but she couldn't move him - he was too heavy. she had no choice but to leave him and try to get help. he never made it out.

in a split second, everything changed. their lives will never be the same. they lost a husband and father. they lost their home and everything in it. my heart breaks, aches, for them. i can't imagine the surge of emotions that run through their minds, how those images of her beloved husband lying helpless in a fiery room must haunt her. how she had to leave him, how she tried to get him out with all her might, but couldn't. i wonder what thoughts went through her husband's mind in those last moments. what dialog, if any, they had before she had to flee. i can only pray that a peace that surpasses all understanding overcame him in those last moments. i can only pray that he felt God, maybe even saw God, as He was with Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego in the fiery furnace. i can only pray that that same peace envelopes his grieving wife and daughter, knowing they did everything they could. i wonder what i would have done.

8 days later, the sister of the wife who had just lost her husband in the fire, lost her husband as well - to a heart attack. my stepdad had just been with him the night before, talking, sharing, laughing. the very next day, he died unexpectedly, suddenly. in a split second, another life has changed forever, another life has gone away. two sisters, within eight days of each other, have become widows. in a week's time, two sisters' lives have changed in ways they probably never expected. it only takes a moment for everything to change.

when i was 8 years old, on the last day of school, my sister and i were outside playing and decided to go get ice cream from the ice cream truck that had parked a little further down the street. we ran into the house to get money from our club dues box (yeah, we had a club, lol). our mom was somewhere in the house - we didn't tell her what we were doing.

excitedly, we ran outside to cross the street, our treats awaiting us on that hot summer day. we bought our popsicles from the musical truck, ripped them open, and started back down the road to home. the minute i stepped off the curb, a speeding car slammed right into me, throwing me several feet to the ground. i must have blacked out momentarily because i don't remember feeling the impact of the car. i don't remember hitting the ground. i remember opening my eyes and being pulled off the ground by my sister and neighborhood kids we were playing with. i remember all the voices surrounding me, shouting. i remember crying hysterically and feeling hurt all over my body. i remember seeing my newly bought red, white and blue Rocket Pop melting on the hot concrete.

in a split second, my life could have been over, were it not for the grace and mercy of God, my God. in a split second, an eight year old child, having just finished the third grade that day, anxiously awaiting summer fun, could have taken her last breath. in a split second, my mother could have been grieving over her baby girl, my sister could have been an only child. in a split second, the life of the guy who hit me could have been changed forever. if i hadn't lived, if i had endured more than just the many cuts and bruises (not even a broken bone), the life of that man would never have been the same again. though it was my fault, being a careless child, too excited to look both ways as i had been taught, running recklessly out into the street, had i died, the driver of the car could have gone to jail. he could have endured emotional trauma and pain that would never go away. in one second, everyone's lives - the driver's, my parents', my sister's - could have changed forever.

i wonder why i was spared. i wonder why God saw fit to let me live that day. it couldn't have been my youth - sadly, children leave this earth every single day. why did He let me live? not even a bone had been broken. i remember my mother, crying and shaking, taking me to the hospital, both chastising me and loving all over me, horrified and thankful. i remember the doctor telling me how lucky i was, as he cleaned and bandaged my wounds. but it wasn't luck - it was God.

my first year of college, my mother called me at school weeping one day, telling me she had been in a horrible car accident. on the beltway, at high speeds, another car had run her off the road, and she slammed into a guardrail. her car was totaled. yet she walked away with no injury. i was terrified - was hours from home, not by her side, only being able to console her through a phone line, crying, asking if she was really ok, horrible images racing through my mind. she was traumatized, scared to death. but she wasn't even hurt. God was with her. i wonder why she was spared. every second, another life ends in tragic car accidents. that day, my mother could have been one of them. but God held her, wrapped His arms and His angels around her and kept her whole, protected, and safe, even as the car that encased her was battered on all sides. what a God we serve.

my second year in college, i got a call from a friend telling me that my oldest friend had just lost his mom. he had seen her that morning, said goodbye as she left for work, and he later got a call from his brother-in-law that his mom was in the hospital. she had collapsed at work and passed away shortly thereafter in the hospital. some years earlier she had had breast cancer, but had been treated and was in remission. somewhere, somehow the cancer had returned, undetected. it took her away that day. in a second, everything was different. her children lost their mother, her husband lost his wife, her sisters lost their sister. nothing has been the same.

i'll never pretend to have any answers as to why things happen the way they do. i certainly don't deserve to live. i've never done anything that would give me privilege. on the contrary, i've done so many horrible things in my life that i deserve for God to have snatched the very breath from my lungs. i deserve for Him to turn His face from me. i'm not worthy of Him to even look at me, to even know my name. but He spared me at 8 years old, and He spares me every day. He spared my mother that day all alone in her car. i wonder why -but i'll never know.

as the song goes, "i am not skilled to understand what God has willed, what God has planned." i don't know anything about tomorrow. i don't even know anything about 4 hours from now. all i know is this moment right here, right now. the rest i have no choice but to entrust to God. i have no control.

sometimes, i look at all that has happened in my life, in the lives of others around me, and i admit that i feel afraid. this world is so full of death, sickness, danger and harm. i wonder sometimes if i'm next. i wonder if when i hang up from talking to a loved one if that will be the last time i hear their voice. i wonder what pains we may have to endure. and i wonder how we'll handle it all. if i'm not careful, that fear can strangle me. i know that's not how God wants me to live.

i have to trust Him that no matter how bad it gets, He's here. He's in control. i can't explain why, i can only try my best to comfort those who grieve, and pray that i find comfort when i grieve. i can only bless the Lord and thank Him for His mercy, for His peace, for His promise to never leave nor forsake us. i can only share that good news with others who grieve, and hope that God allows them to understand.

i can only be thankful that even when the worst happens, i have the comfort of the knowledge that this place, indeed, is not my home. i'm a foreigner here. i have not come to stay.

i love knowing that, even when i sometimes feel afraid.