memories...

last night, i had a very enjoyable conversation with my sister (thank you Lord). it was easy, we laughed a lot, talked about random stories, shared work woes, for a good 2 hours. our relationship is not what most (including myself) think it should be at times, but i'm grateful that we have one. we hardly ever see each other, we lead completely separate lives; we rarely (if ever) talk about intimate emotions or share sisterly secrets - we honestly don't know much about each other's personal lives. but then again, we've never really been that way. she has always been the "big sister," afraid to set a bad example, only letting me see her "representative." i've seen her interact with her friends at times, and i know she is way more herself with them than with me. she wants me to see her as perfect. we have a lot in common.

likewise with me - my sister always sees the little sister "representative" of me. i've never dared show her the sides of me that would make her cringe and say "oh no...not my little sis....!" i wouldn't dare taint her "baby girl" image of me. i am forever the little sis, not the friend.

maybe that will change. maybe it won't. for now, i'll just focus on the blessing that, despite the bubble that has always existed between us, and that has grown as result of fairly recent unpleasant circumstances, we still talk. we still love. we still are sisters. i'll take that for now. even if we never become "friends," we're still sisters.

we still have memories of sharing a room, of laughing in the dark when we were supposed to be asleep; of me as a 2-yr old and she as a 5-yr old bickering on a cassette tape my dad had hidden and secretly recorded one day (the tape is HILARIOUS) - of my sister calling me a "hamilton" (neither of us knows what the heck that means - i guess that was a 5 yr old's most hardcore insult back in 1984; then i whined to my mother that she called me an "amerton" getting the word all wrong; of my sister, as that same 5 yr old, learning how to read a calendar at the instruction of my mother and learning when all of our birthdays were; me, as that same 2-yr old, clapping and stomping around in the background playing "parade" (and actually shouting "PARAADE!!!" - i guess that's what i thought people did in parades); my sister being interrogated by my mommy about whether or not she had eaten all the candy from her easter basket when she wasn't supposed to - and my sister blatantly lying and saying she hadn't.

me singing "I LOVE GOD! GOD LOVES MEEEE!" at the top of my lungs; my sister singing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star," complete with dramatizations and gospel-esque runs that would give CeCe Winans a run for her money; my mother arguing with my sister (the 5 yr old) about what she wanted for dinner; me saying i wanted waffles for dinner; my sister saying she wanted cotton candy, about 30 times in a row; me crying because every time i tried to talk, my sister would jump in and cut me off, making me sad that she "won't let me taaaaaaaalk!! i wanna taaaaaaaalk!".

laughing hysterically about the time she and i (roughly aged 13 and 10) hid my mother's purse as an april fool's joke; and dying laughing as my mother frantically searched all over the house for her bag. she even was about to get in her car and drive back to her job to see if she had left it there - that's when we finally blew the whistle and faced the wrath of my mother, who apparently wasn't a good sport about these things. i know, i know, we were horrible, bad little girls, but that story never stops being funny - you just had to be there.

we laugh about the times my sister didn't want to admit she needed glasses as a kid, so would lie in her bed watching the tv with plastic binoculars she had gotten from King's Dominion because she couldn't see well. we reminisce about laying around reading old Archie comics my dad kept in the attic; being excited to watch Dennis the Menace (the cartoon) on saturday mornings; watching Saved By the Bell after school; walking to the library in the summers to check out tons of books for the summer reading programs (do kids even GO to the library anymore??); laughing about the time we went to Tennessee with our grandma and uncle - and got in trouble for making the Arsenio Hall woofing sounds during the night when we were supposed to be going to bed. we were two of the silliest girls you'll ever meet.

and we still are.

we laugh at everything. even things that probably aren't supposed to be funny.

sometimes i am envious of the relationships i see between other sisters/siblings. i have friends who tell their sisters and brothers everything - they're best friends. they hang out, they know each other so well, they know each other's friends and hang out in groups, they do all kinds of things together. my sister and i have never really had that degree of intimacy and closeness. we rarely do things together. we've never really taken off our masks for each other. we've never really let ourselves just be friends. sure we have lots of funny memories and moments together that we cherish, and i don't take those for granted. but when i think of all the important milestones, the things that really grip your heart, the things that really make you you....we don't know those things about each other. we don't let each other see what's behind curtain number 3. as i said, it has always been that way to a degree, but that space has definitely increased over the years.

for now, i guess, i'll just be thankful for the memories, for the laughter that makes our abs ache, for the jokes and smiles, for the weird things about our weird family that no one else would really understand but us. still, i know there are some lingering hurt feelings, lingering unforgiveness, lingering misunderstandings that keep us from easing over that divide. perhaps there is no formula for sisterhood. maybe that idealistic relationship that my mother (who was an only child and wished she had a sister) longs for us to have will never come to pass. but maybe one day, God will give us the courage and strength to finally break down that wall between us so that we can truly call each other 'Friend.'

sometimes i feel like i've given up on that. but i don't think i really have yet.