more than a resource

how i seem to attract selfish, self-pleasing people, out to only get what they want is beyond my understanding. all my life, i've felt taken advantage of, used, and taken for granted. this goes back to even when i was in grade school, and people who barely ever talked to me in school and acted like they didn't even like me, would call me up at home to "help" them (aka give them the answers) with their homework, seeing as how i was deemed the "smart one." one might think, "wow, that's a compliment - at least they looked to you because they thought you were smart." but i'm not that easily flattered...never have been. and i don't find it flattering that a person who ignores me any other time would suddenly think so highly of me when they need answers to some homework questions. but back then, i felt so "outside" that i did whatever i could to please people, even though i knew i was being used, even though i knew no matter what i did for them, i was still never anyone special to them. but my self-esteem was so low that i just sat back and allowed myself to be used so that i could feel wanted or included.

even now, i have so-called friends who i only hear from when they need or want something. they need to borrow something, they need some money, they need a favor, they need a ride, they need to whine and complain about their drama. but they never just call me to see how i'm doing, to listen to what i have to say, to ask if i need anything, to offer to hang out just because they want my company. i'm so tired of being used by people - and it's usually people who are supposed to "care" about me the most. maybe they only care about how much they can suck out of me.

please don't misunderstand - i truly don't mind, and even enjoy, doing things for others, serving others in any way i can, helping others in need. it's a part of my duty as a Jesus-following woman - and if Jesus, the King of all Kings, could get down and wash people's feet and serve others, then certainly lowly little old me can do that too. aside from that though, i really do like being there for people, and i'm glad that people view me as reliable and dependable. BUT when it gets to the point where i only hear from you when you need or want something, that's when i begin to have a problem. and that seems to be happening more and more lately. it happens at work, it happens in my "friendships," it happens a LOT. and i'm tired. but i can't seem to ever say no. i know i'd feel bad denying helping someone in need when i know i'm perfectly capable of helping. plus, people in my life are surprisingly not understanding a lot of times and would get bent out of shape and upset if i voiced these feelings. so i continue to pray for patience and that something, anything gives to turn this around because i'm tired. and i'm getting to the point where i don't even want to talk to anyone, i don't want to be around anyone because i'm tired of feeling like all i'm good for is my resources.

when is enough, enough?