mental TKO

i'm mentally spent.

i'm the type of person who has the type of mind that can only handle so much at one time. i guess it's my mind's way of self-preserving. when too much floods into it, it shuts down. but the twist is, this does not apply to any sort of intellect or knowledge. the factual lobe of my brain seems perfectly capable of absorbing whatever pieces come its way. it's like clay - it can be shaped and re-shaped as often as is necessary. it can be stretched to accommodate whatever is required of it. i can take notice of and then later remember even the tiniest of details. i should try out for Jeopardy because i know some of the most random facts and information about things that no one else cares about. and most of it, i purposely seek out to learn on my own. i'm a geek. i like to learn, plain and simple.

on the contrary, the emotional lobe is not so efficient. i think i was born this way, as opposed to it having been shaped that way by experiences. it's been that way since i was a child. or maybe no one is born that way, and i had some experience too long ago for me to remember that shaped that section of my brain in such a manner.

whatever the case, that's the way it is. it has a fixed shape - must be made of concrete, i suppose. it's solid, unbending, has limited capacity. so when all these thoughts and emotions try to flood into it, it only allows a limited amount to permeate its membranes. the surplus gets shut out and ends up...i have no idea where it goes. my theory is that it floats around up there somewhere until it finds the perfect time to resurface and try to push its way through the membranes of that lobe all over again. the strongest ones make it. the weak ones have to wait their turn. and just so you know, there's no selection process. whatever emotions are strong enough to win the struggle are the ones that make it through - good or bad, positive or negative.

so to remedy that, when the thoughts and emotions that i don't like are the ones that push their way through to the forefront, i expunge them immediately. i deal with the ones that are easiest, and the ones that cause me to lose my breath just thinking about them are the ones that i squeeze out of there. they always come back because as mentioned before, it's a recycling process. but if, at their turn, i still don't want to address them, there i go forcing them out again. and also just so you know, i hate this. because of this defect, i find myself too often not dealing with things i need to deal with. this is why i feel like i'm always running in place. on my best day, i've graduated to running in a circle - it's better than running in place, but still, i'm not getting anywhere.

i despise this part of me, but i can't cure it. i'm torn between wanting change, and fearing it; wanting to move, yet feeling glued in place; wanting to do, yet not knowing how or what; wanting to look forward, yet being terrified of what i see; loathing the present, yet not knowing how to let it go.