hiatus

it's been awhile...haven't felt inspired to write, nor have i had the energy. paradoxically (is that a word?) enough, a ton has happened since my last post a month ago, so i have a helluva lot to write about - i just don't feel like it. don't have the energy, don't care. no one listens to me anyway or acts like they care one way or another, so why bother? (shruggin shoulders)

no worries though. i've decided to stop caring. i've grown a new layer of skin (figuratively speaking of course). i'm done with giving so much of myself and my time to others. i'm done with listening to others' problems when they 'need' me. i'm done with jumping up and being available for people when they 'need' me. it's funny how my presence is only desired when i'm 'needed' for something. from now on, at least for awhile, until something gives, i'm giving back what i'm given. if i'm given sloppy seconds, i'm giving sloppy seconds. i'm tired of people finding out i'm doing this or that and then saying, "hey, i heard you did blah blah blah, i didn't know that, why didn't you tell me?" why would i, why should i...would you really care anyway, or do you just want to know what's new with me so you can compete or compare notes? or i probably did tell you and you were too wrapped up in your own selfish oblivion that you didn't hear me.

why should i stress myself and wonder why i feel like i'm always putting forth efforts when and where others need me, when it seems as if all the "takers" in my life are so selfish and indifferent when it comes time for them to give to me? i sit and listen to people whine about every little problem under the sun. i give my energy, my time, my comfort, my advice, my understanding, my concern, my flexibility, ME, even when i don't feel like it, even when i'm going through my own stuff, even when their "problems" seem so trivial to me. but if it's important to them, then i try to make it important to me, because i care. but with no reciprocation. why should i care anymore? the answer is: i shouldn't.

life is too short for me to worry about what other people are doing and why they do what they do. i'll never understand people, so i'm done with spending my brainpower trying to do so. i'd have more success talking to and understanding a tree than i'd have trying to understand human beings. i'm focusing on me from now on, making moves, making changes, with or without help or support. i have God, i have me. i guess that'll have to do for now.