exhaustion

how do you forgive yourself when you've done something you regret so much? regret has to be the worst pain ever felt because it's always the left-over feeling of bad decision-making. i keep thinking, "if only i hadn't done that, i wouldn't be feeling like this...WHY did i do that??"

forgiving oneself is much harder than forgiving others. it's so hard to forgive myself because i am in complete control over my own actions. when other people do things to me that hurt me, it's hard to forgive them but it's not impossible because i know that i have no control over what they do. so i either forgive them and let it go or let it eat away at me. but when i mess up and do something so incredibly stupid, i have only myself to blame. then i'm left with feeling the agony of making such a stupid choice. and the self-inflicted pain could have been avoided had i simply made a better decision.

that's how i'm feeling now and it's wearing me out...