another one bites the dust

ok, so it's definitely over now...not that it had ever really begun. but whatever had begun, be it a frienship or whatever-ship...it's over now.

on friday, the 37 yr. old with the three kids and i had emailed back and forth that morning and had made plans to meet up for lunch that afternoon. since it was the day before Christmas Eve, my job was letting us go at 1:30p, his was closing at 2:30p. so we made plans to meet sometime after 2:30 when he was free; in the meantime, i was going to hang out with a friend of mine who works in the building, just to kill time. i didn't realize that where i was in the building, i wasn't getting any cell phone service, so shortly after 2:30p i went upstairs and outside to see if he had been trying to reach me and couldn't get through. he had left me a voicemail message, so i called him back.

why did this bastard tell me that the plans had to be altered because his KIDS were there at his office. so he still wanted to see me and give me a gift, but we couldn't hang out...WTF!?

i was PISSED!! for several reasons:

1) i had been WAITING for this negro to get off work...i could have taken my ass HOME, but i was waiting for him because we had lunch plans and he said he had something he wanted to give to me.

2) he told me that the kids' mother dropped them off at his job at NOON....this point has SO many levels....
2a) the last time we had correspondence about our afternoon plans was via email at about 11:30am. if his kids had gotten dropped off at his office at noon, 30 mins later, i REFUSE to believe that he was unaware that this was going to take place. i'm sure their mom did not just show up at his job unannounced with the kids. so i KNOW that at 11:30 when i said "ok, call me when you leave work and i'll come meet you." and he said "ok." that he knew his kids were coming there in 30 mins.
2b) in addition to '2a,' i didn't get off work until 1:30p. he said his kids were dropped off at noon. therefore, he had AN HOUR AND A HALF to let me know via phone or email that his kids were there and we wouldn't be able to hook up...yet he did not call or write to say that, i had to find that out at 2:45p when we were supposed to be meeting.
2c) i KNOW he knew they were coming because when i was chewing him out over this bull, he said something about it not being his weekend to see them, but he wasn't sure if he was going to go visit his mother (IN FLORIDA!!) for Christmas so he wanted to spend some time with them before he left...again, WTH?!?! first of all, WHO makes last minute plans to go see someone in florida 2 days before Christmas?? so obviously he had these plans in mind all along and never informed me. thanks a lot, you stupid liar.

what pisses me off about the whole situation is that i firmly believe in giving people all the information up front so that they can make informed choices. even if they get upset, even if they walk away, you have to risk all of that, and give people information so that they can make a choice. it's like if someone were to cheat on me. i'd want him to tell me, not hide it from me, because if i know, then i can at least make a choice as to whether or not i want to stay. but people are so selfish and will keep things from you just to get the outcome that they want.

this negro did that to me in the beginning when he deliberatly didn't tell me he had 3 kids because he knew i'd be upset and would probably not want to talk to him. therefore, i was in a situation that i didn't even know i was in because i wasn't given the information up front.

i'm pissed at myself because when he first told me that he had kids, i was angry and was pretty much done with him. and i told him i didn't want to see him anymore, and we didn't really talk for a few days. but he pursued me relentlessly and sweet-talked me and i let myself get sucked into that. so even though we were not together, were not going to be together, i did enjoy spending time with him and talking to him. i should have cut him off like i had planned to, like i had started to. i shouldn't have returned his calls. but i did. stupid me.

it felt good to have someone think so highly of me, to tell me i'm beautiful 10 times a day, to look forward to talking to or seeing me. i felt like i was important to someone for the first time in years. i felt like someone really cared for the first time in ages. i felt special for the first time in years. no one else in my life pays any attention to me. no one else listens to me that intently or really cares how my days are or cares how i'm feeling or cares what i'm doing or is excited to hear from me or to see me. no one else is content just to be in my presence, just to see me for a few moments. pretty much everyone in my life is so wrapped up in their own lives that they don't notice or care to notice anything going on with me, unless they need or want something from me, or unless they want to vent all of their own problems to me, but couldn't care less what i'm going through. so it felt good to feel that again, to have someone's undivided attention, to have a new friend who really was interested in me and learning about me and who i am and how i am. even though i knew and made sure that HE knew that this could never get past a certain point with him because he has kids and i really don't want a relationship with someone who has children at this point in my life, whatever this was that we had going, as basic as it was, it was sweet. i did a good job at keeping my feelings in check for the most part, because i'm not in love with him or anything close to that. but i did grow to care for him on some level. so i'm pissed that i didn't stick to my guns and cut him off right then and there when i found out he had kids, like i had planned to. if i had, all of this stupidity could have been avoided.

and i'm hurt that once again, he withheld information from me (about his kids coming to his office on friday) for his own selfish gain. because HE wanted to see me, because HE wanted to give me whatever lameoid christmas gift he got me (which he said was the main reason he wanted to see me), he deliberately didn't tell me his kids were coming there, because he KNEW i'd say forget it, we'd have to meet up some other time, cuz i'm not about to meet his kids. first of all, it's not appropriate to me when people bring other people of the opposite sex around their kids. it's confusing to the kids, they're wondering who this person is, it can cause all kinds of drama. in my opinion, men shouldn't bring other women around their kids, unless the woman is someone he is very very serious about and is planning to be with long-term. and women shouldn't bring other men around their kids either, again, unless the guy is someone she's serious about and will be with long-term or possibly marry.

secondly, i have absolutely no interest in being around some kids he fathered with some other woman. i have nothing against them at all because they're just innocent kids, but i do not wish to meet them. and he knows that. so he knew i wouldn't be down for that, and that's why he didn't tell me they were at his job with him until the very last second - because he was trying to get what HE wanted, forget what i want, forget how i would feel, as long as he got what he wanted.
again, give me all the info upfront so i can make a choice. all he had to do was tell me they were coming from the beginning and i would have never even expected to see him that day nor would i have been waiting for his butt like an idiot. but at least if he had told me, i could have made a choice. instead, AGAIN, i was not given all the information from the jump, so i was backed into a corner AGAIN.

so i hung up on him. haven't talked to him since. he sent me some generic 'merry christmas' text message on sunday. i never responded. i deleted every phone number i have for him from my cell. and since i never memorized any of the numbers, there's no way i can call him.

ah, well, like everything else in life, i'm trying to look for the blessing in this situation. so i'm thanking God that this is finished before it ever really began, before i lost my mind and got deeper in this than i wanted to be, before i really got my feelings hurt or anything. so once again, i'm disappointed because i finally met someone who has so much of what i'm looking for, but i can't have him. and that sucks. but i'm grateful nonetheless.

i'm done.