Top 16 Things I've Learned About Motherhood

1. Time is scarce so you do what you can, when you can. i.e. Using a breastpump while driving to an appointment isn't all that hard. Just drape a jacket or blanket over you so the gross guy in the car beside you doesn't get a cheap thrill. And you can certainly save time by breastfeeding while brushing your teeth in the morning. Just don't dribble toothpaste on the kid.

2. Sleep is as precious and rare as a red diamond. So you will find yourself napping whenever you can. Who needs to eat during a lunch break when you can nap in an empty office?

3. No one cares about you anymore. It's all about the baby. They will knock you over to grab the baby from your arms when you arrive at their homes. But you won't really mind because you appreciate how much people love your baby.

4. You will have much, much less tolerance for people's sob stories. When someone without kids whines to you about how tired they are because they worked late last night, you will fake sympathy while thinking to yourself "Yeah, Yeah, Boo-Hoo, i haven't slept in 6 months!!"

5. Lack of sleep will make you an irritable, emotional mess some days. Get used to it.

6. Your heart will break every time your baby cries and you can't console him/her right away (like when he/she starts screaming and you're in the shower). But you WILL get over it. Eventually, you'll tune it out while you get important things done. It doesn't make you a bad parent, but sometimes the baby has to wait.

7. Babies don't like to wait. They have zero patience and zero tolerance.

8. Cleanliness used to be next to godliness. Now, cleanliness is, "It doesn't look that bad. I'll get to it next week." You will not have time to keep the house spic-and-span anymore.

9. You will learn to forego a shower sometimes. When your baby kept you up all night and you subsequently overslept and are super late for work, a quick "birdbath" at the bathroom sink will get the job done until further notice.

10. You will trust no one to know how to properly care for your child. Not even a woman who has birthed and raised 14 kids of her own. Somehow, even SHE will not seem fit to care for your baby, because well...it's YOUR baby. And no one knows how to love and care for your baby but you.

11. You will learn the true meaning of unconditional love. When your baby has caused you to miss meals, lose valuable sleep, you're exhausted, falling asleep at your desk, cranky and mad at the world...yet you still can't wait to get home and see that sweet little face and hold her/him in your arms, you will know that you'd have it no other way. Fatigue and all, it's all worth it. Every single minute.

12. Cookies and water are an acceptable breakfast. As a matter of fact, it's an acceptable lunch and dinner too.

13. You will blink and your baby will grow 10 sizes right before your eyes. Don't blink too long or too hard so you don't miss any of the fast-moving precious moments in your baby's life.

14. You will compare your post-baby body to every woman's body you see. It can become obsessive so try not to let your thoughts run away with you. Remind yourself that a beautiful human being was carried by that body and try to accept your new lumps, bumps and stretch marks. And if you don't have any lumps, bumps or stretch marks, you make me sick.

15. You will forget everything important. Paying bills on time, assignments and work, sending cards for birthdays and anniversaries. All of your brain activity goes toward trying to stay awake and thinking about your child.

16. When your baby cries for you and wants you and only you, it will melt your heart and make you feel like the most loved woman in the world.