questions and confessions

questions:

when we sin, we cause separation between us and God. God hates sin, but loves us still.

and God's word says that He's just and faithful to forgive our sins when we confess to Him.

my question is, are we really repentant if we sin over and over (whether the same sin, or different sins?)

what if i sin verbally today, then sin in my thoughts tomorrow, then sin in my actions the next day? does God still forgive me? does He get tired of forgiving me so much?

is repeating the same sin any better or worse than having a variety of sins?

how do you know if your repentance is sincere?

it feels sincere. the pain of my sins is indeed sincere. the conviction is genuine and heavy. but if i feel that i've truly repented, and then sin again, does that mean i'm not really sorry?

when you sin (in any way), do you find it difficult to go to God in supplication, even after you've confessed and asked for forgiveness? do you ever feel unworthy to ask for help, to ask for blessing, to ask God to hear you after you've really messed up?

if so, how do you get past that? and how can you know that although you've messed up, He still hears your cries?

*****

confession 1:

i'm scared. like, really scared. i've never been so scared about so many things at the same time in my entire life. i have a feeling people think that i'm way stronger than i really am; that i'm taking it all in stride; that this smile on my face means everything is great.

they don't know that most days i'm fighting the tears of my fears. they don't know that i smile to keep from crumbling in front of them. they don't know that i don't know which way is up or down most days.

i know over and over God tells us in His word many many times to "fear not" in some way or form.

so how do i fear not when fear is gripping my heart?

where in the world is my faith?

maybe i feel that because i've messed up so many times that God will leave me. He'll leave me to suffer because i'm the one who caused all this commotion. He won't help me because i'm not better for Him. I'm trying hard but i'll never be perfect for Him. and every time i mess up, i picture Him erasing another blessing He had for me; throwing away another prayer supplication i laid at His feet; turning His ear just a few more degrees away from the sound of my voice.

are you ever afraid?

how do you stop?


confession 2:


though having a baby right now, under these circumstances, with all that "is" and "isn't," is the hardest thing i've ever had to do, and though these are some of the heaviest and most painful days of my life...

...if someone offered to take this baby from me and make all the heartache, worries and pain disappear, i'd say no.

if someone offered to rewind time and make it so that this little one never existed, i'd keep all the pain and heartache just to be able to have her here.

i hate the life i've created for her. i hate what i've done to her. i hate the heartache she was conceived in and the heartache she may be born into. i hate that i can't give her the life she deserves.

but i love her. and i'll cry the rest of my days as long as i get to have her in my arms.