feeling grateful and a meeting with a doula

weird title, i know, but work with me.

i'm feeling grateful to be alive today. i have been feeling that sense of gratefulness and unworthiness to be here so much in the last few days.

it has been one eerie week.

for starters, on monday evening at about 5pm here in DC, two red line metro trains collided (well, one moving train collided with a stationery train, to be accurate) and 9 people were killed, as well as dozens of others who were trapped in these trains for some time and suffered terrible injuries.

i take that SAME TRAIN every single day.

the trains involved in the tragedy are the ones going in the direction i travel in the morning to get to work. and the accident happened right outside of the stop where i get on the train!

in the evenings (which is when the accident occurred) i take the same train, but going in the opposite direction.

when i heard about what happened, i broke down in tears. part of my tears were out of empathy and sorrow for all those people who died, those who lived but must have suffered incredible terror being trapped in a train like that, and those who were injured in any way. i cannot imagine enduring something like that. these people had just put in another day's work, were probably nodding off to sleep, reading newspapers, calling loved ones on the phone to let them know they were on their way home, planning to meet a friend for dinner or drinks, or planning what they're going to cook for their family when they get home. things we think about and do on a routine basis without much thought.

and they had no idea they would never see another day. in moments their lives were over.

i also cried out of overwhelming gratefulness to God that it wasn't me.

but why wasn't it me?

the trains that crashed are the same ones, on the same tracks, going in the same direction that i go every single morning on my way to work. this accident happened at 5pm monday. why didn't it happen at 8:30 am, when i was on the train?

i wept in thanksgiving to God for taking care of me and sparing my and my baby's life, giving us another day. i don't deserve to live any more than anyone else. and yet, that very day, thoughtlessly going through the routines i go through every day, i made it out alive. i made it safely to work.

and those souls who died never made it home that night.

not only that, but the sudden death of Michael Jackson yesterday at only age 50, and the death of Farrah Fawcett in the same day after having painfully battled cancer for the last few years, makes me feel so full of joy that i'm still here. i don't know why i'm still here, but i'm still here. i don't know how long i'll be here, but i'm still here.

it's an amazing mixture of emotions, grieving for those who suffer, yet feeling such awe and thanksgiving for being alive. i'll never fully understand why God allows things to happen the way that they do. but i'm so so thankful that He protects me every day, even when i'm too busy to acknowledge Him.

*****


this afternoon i'm meeting with a birth doula! a birth doula is a birth attendant, for all who may not be familiar with the term. she is someone trained and skilled in the art of labor and childbirth, though she is not a midwife nor a physician. she has no medical training and therefore cannot administer medical procedures nor can she deliver a baby.

but she is trained and certified in the ins and outs of what happens to a woman's body during labor and delivery. so she can provide knowledge and support for the laboring mother during her entire labor and delivery process. and she also acts as an advocate for the mom, communicating her needs and desires during labor and delivery to the medical staff or midwife.

some doulas are also postpartum doulas, who visit with the mom and baby after the baby arrives to help her in any way she can, be it with meals, feedings, grocery shopping, etc.

doulas are amazing women (and men, i think, though very few are men). what an awesome career to have! i'd absolutely love to train to be a doula and provide that kind of support and love to a mom giving birth and even in the days following delivery. the only concern i'd have is financially to be honest. doulas can charge anywhere from $0-$1500 for their services depending on her level of training, the area you live in, and the number of years of experience. but you only get paid based on the number of clients you have and the number of births you attend. that's not very steady income and right now i can't afford it.

one could always do it part time, but it's very dedicated work and around a baby's due date, a doula is pretty much on-call, never knowing when the baby is coming. so she needs to be available. i wouldn't know how to juggle that with another job.

but if the Lord wills it, perhaps if i ever get married and have the additional financial support of a husband, i may be able to afford to do that for a living. it's definitely something i've thought a lot about and the more i read about the practice of a doula, the more i want to do it.

so anyway, today i'm meeting with a doula, to get to know her, interview her, and let her get to know me. i haven't chosen her yet (because we've only talked and emailed for about a month but haven't in person yet) but so far i like her and can't wait to meet her.

plus, compared to other doulas her fees are awesomely inexpensive (because she's still a fairly new doula). i'm really excited about it and hope all goes well!