so after a lot of deliberating, i had originally concluded that i was going to go to my 10 year high school reunion. after i determined in my mind that i was willing to attend, i decided to pray on it.
after praying about it, i was still feeling uneasy and didn't have any real answer but brought the invitation to work with me so that i could fill out and mail in the RSVP.
that is, until i sat down to do my twice-monthly budgeting.
after deducting all of my upcoming bills, there was not much left over (pretty typical). and seeing as how i'm trying to save for the baby, it would not be prudent of me to dish out the funds needed to purchase my ticket to the reunion (which to me is rather expensive, considering it's being held in a restaurant). the only way i'd be able to afford it is by dipping into my savings account.
and i'm not doing that. i've already bled out about $400 from my savings account in the last several months to cover some additional expenses (i.e. childbirth class). and though a savings account is there to be used when you need it, i HATE withdrawing from it. it's such hard work to save up and deposit into it every month. when the balance starts to go down, i get this knot in my belly.
so to sum up, i can't afford the ticket and therefore am not going. it's not worth me using savings for that. so there you have it - i guess i have my answer.
thanks, Lord.
that brings me to the stress i'm feeling over money.
i'm feeling heavy with concern this morning over money matters. i keep thinking about the future and how expensive unborn baby matters already are. how in the world am i going to make it after baby comes?
i just got paid two days ago and i'm already broke after paying all my bills for the month. i work and work and there's barely anything to show for it, and it's so frustrating to me.
how i'm going to factor in childcare, medical expenses, clothes and supplies, unexpected emergencies, savings, food, etc. is way beyond me.
on one hand, i feel so blessed because i'm employed in a stable job at a time when so many people have been laid off. all my bills are paid every month - i'm never so broke that i can't afford to pay a bill on time or at all. i have no past-due accounts, no collectors calling, no worries that i'm going to be evicted or some service is going to be turned off because i didn't pay for it. every month, my paychecks cover all of my bills. and even in the months where extra expenses take away some funds and i have to dip into my savings account, i'm blessed that there is a savings account to dip into. there are many many people who run out of money before their next pay check and have nothing to fall back on. i'm thankful for the extra "cushion" of my savings account, even if that cushion isn't all that big.
and i'm trying so hard to not feel worried and doubtful. i LOVE this passage in Matthew 6: 25-34 (NLT), in which Jesus instructs us:
“That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?
“And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.
“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.
that should be enough to quiet my worries, right? but i'm ashamed to admit that it's not.
and it's not that i don't believe in God's word - i certainly do. but i also know that my having a child right now is out of order and therefore i will have to face the hardships that come along with doing things the wrong way. no one told me to sin and get pregnant. had i been stronger and obedient, i could be enjoying the ups and downs of my pregnancy within the security of a marriage, not on my own.
and sure, married couples stress about finances also, so i don't mean to imply that marrieds have it all figured out and have no worries. married couples worry about taking care of babies just like anyone else. but i can't help but think about how easy it would be to worry in the comfort of a two-income household with my husband and leader of our home to assure me that together we are going to make it.
i don't have a "together". all i have is hope. and sometimes i'm sad to admit that my hope just isn't enough to comfort me.
i look at the hardships to come (reduced income during maternity leave, figuring out a way to cover expenses, trying to figure out if, how and when to move to a bigger place so my baby isn't sleeping in a crib in the corner of my bedroom, and much much more), not to mention all the emotional heartache, and i can't help but slap myself for doing this to my own life.
i've been wanting a new job for sometime now - a new job that will be more along the lines of what i want to do, plus that will pay me a higher salary. now i feel stuck here indefinitely because i can't start a new job at 6 months pregnant, nor can i start a new job with a newborn at home.
i watch everyone else enjoy vacations and trips that i can't afford (i haven't been on a real vacation since i was in high school) because i have to save my money.
every month i barely have enough money for treats to a restaurant or a movie or a new outfit (that i need, seeing as now i'm outgrowing clothes left and right). so where is the extra money going to come from after the baby comes?
i want so hard to believe that things will be ok. and i know God is SO good and SO faithful and is the ultimate provider. but i know i dug this whole for myself and i have some battles ahead of me as a result.
and putting emotional stress because of the heartaches of this situation with my friend on top of worrying about practical matters, i'm just exhausted.
i'm trying desperately to put on the whole armor of God and gear myself up for whatever's to come. but right now, i just don't feel like i have much fight left in me.