hang it up

when it comes to guys, i have such deep jealousy issues. well, i guess it's jealousy, or is it insecurity? or both?

how am i ever going to get married if i get tense every time a guy (or eventually my husband someday) even mentions other women?

for all the marrieds, does your spouse have opposite sex friendships? how does that work?

do i really want to see my husband going to lunch with some woman? is that ok?

i don't think i'll be able to handle that. i don't trust women very much. i know it's sad, but i've seen how women can be rather blatant (in all fairness, men too). and men get tempted (in all fairness, so do women). and even the strong slip sometimes don't they?

and not only that, but i KNOW how easy it is to fall. even those committed to Jesus fall sometimes, and fall hard. NONE of us is immune to it.

i speak more about men being tempted because even though they're just as accountable for their actions as women are, men are wired differently than we are. visual stimulation tempts men more. and i have been around women who just have no respect for someone's relationship status or their wedding band.

the evil in me would almost want to kill a woman who flirts with my husband. part of me thinks she would deserve death, like in Biblical days. but see, that's why i'm not God because i have evil thoughts like that. i'm one sick individual.

how do people forgive marital infidelity? i think i'd crumble into a heap and stay there. and i know that i've been unfaithful to God many many MANY times over, and He forgives me and washes away my uncleanness. and He charges us to forgive each other the same way, no matter what the transgression.

but even with all the saved, sanctified, Holy Spirit-filledness in the world, i can't imagine what it would be like to look the man i vowed to spend the rest of my life with in the eyes, after he has gone outside of our marriage.

i have a confession: i fear that if i get married, that God will test my faithfulness to Him and my commitment to my marriage by allowing an affair, just to see what i would do. would i leave or would i honor my vows?

do you guys ever worry about that stuff? or is this just another reason why i'm crazy? i do, all the time. when i pray for whoever my future husband is, i always ask that he is someone faithful to God and to me, so that he never cheats on me. is that sad?

i think i'm scarred from past relationships with guys who always seemed to throw other women in my face. they still communicated with ex-girlfriends even though it hurt me. they spent time with other female friends, and i was insecure about that. and i know one of my exes cheated on me, though he wouldn't admit it. and that's not paranoia or insecurity talking, that's my educated, intelligent self talking who listened to his story and could hear my own voice echo through all the gaping holes in it. not to mention that he later broke up with me to be with the woman that i suspected he cheated on me with. and see, THAT's why i have such a problem trusting women... because she knew me! and she knew we were together. and she was always in his face (they worked together). now believe me, i do NOT in anyway absolve him of his role because he had choices to make, and he made all the wrong, disgusting ones. and truth is, that woman owed me nothing. it was HIM who was in the committed relationship, not her. but she's still at partial fault for continuing to pursue someone who was not available. how desperate can you be?

i guess desperation eventually pays off because she got what she wanted. from what i hear, they're still together and he and i broke up in 2001. not to sound like a hater or anything though but he's been with her for 8 years....and he hasn't married her yet. yeah....exactly....

anyway....

the world is full of women and if i ever get married, i don't want to be tense and on edge for the rest of my life. this is clearly a symptom of something in ME that needs to be fixed.

so how do i fix it? and yes, i've prayed about it, so don't even ask.

and speaking of exes, why do people keep in touch with them? this is just my opinion, because i know so many people disagree with me. but what is the point in communicating with someone you were formerly involved with? the relationship is over...give it up! especially if you're with someone else. it's so disrespectful.

but whatever, maybe i have too many hangups. maybe i'm unmarriable.