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on jan 26, i sat down on the edge of the bathtub.

my heart was pounding in my chest. i felt dizzy and short of breath. i was breathing so hard that my entire body heaved with each inhale....exhale.

the blue tiles of the bathroom walls seemed to be closing in on me.

OhmyGod, OhmyGod, OhmyGod, OhmyGod, OhmyGod.

i stared at that white plastic invention, two bright pink lines emblazoned across the display screen, and i couldn't believe this was happening to me.

but then again i could.

because a few weeks prior to that shocking day, i had sinned. badly.

six years ago, i committed myself to being celibate. 3 years after i made that vow to myself and to God, i broke it in one night, with a man i cared a great deal about. it never happened again and i grieved over my sin for days. i even stopped seeing him.

i immediately recommitted myself to purity and celibacy and for the next 3 years, i held on. it wasn't always easy, but i pressed forward, committed to never again falling until i got married.

then 6 weeks ago, in one night of temptation and low defenses, a dear friend of mine and i gave into our flesh's desires. the remorse, regret, shame, guilt and fear were immediate. and were strong.

what had we done? how did we get here? what do we do now?

i was obsessed with repentance, sick with grief and barely left my bed for days. the tears only ceased when i slept. i begged and pleaded for God's forgiveness day and night. and through the mercy and strength of God, i eventually accepted the Lord's forgiveness, and tried to forgive myself. i vowed once again to never ever let that happen again.

then, on that cold evening of the 26th of January, alone in my home, i discovered i was pregnant.

one night of sin has forever changed my life.