save me from me

i wish i could tell you that being saved and loving Jesus means i'm perfect.

i wish i was perfect.

i wish i never did anything wrong, thought anything wrong, said anything wrong.

but the sad truth of my life is that i am a sinner. and i mess up.

and the thing about me is that my mess ups are usually pretty big. i don't seem to have the directions for how to get to Middle Ground. i live in Extremes. when i'm good, i'm really good. when i'm bad, God help me. God help us all.

the thing i hate about myself is that i'm no stranger to sin and its consequences. i'm no stranger to the pains sin causes. i'm no stranger to the guilt, shame and months or years of healing that follow. i'm no stranger to the gripping of my heart as God gets my attention, the buckets of tears cried over regret and mistakes i can't erase, the agony of desperately wanting to rewind time and do it all over again so that i don't do it all over again, slicing my brain with every tick tock of the clock.

yet despite my familiarity with this pain, here i am again. here i am voluntarily reliving pains i had hoped i'd never see again. pain i said goodbye to and tried desperately to never look back.

i looked back, and now i'm a pillar of salt.

the thing about pain is that it's bearable when it's out of your control. i honestly could make my peace with the pain brought by the death of a loved one, the pain of a devastating illness afflicting my body, the pain of outside negative forces hurling hurt my way. i'd have to make my peace with something that i didn't ask for or do anything to get.

what i can't live with is pain that i myself cause. because every day i'm reminded that if only i had made better choices, i wouldn't be in this mess. if only i had been obedient, centered and focused on my Father and His work instead of the turmoil around me, i wouldn't be in this situation. indeed the heavy hand of regret and wishing for a do-over feels as if it's going to take my life.

at this moment, i would almost sell my soul to rewind time. i feel like i've already sold my soul. at the very least, i did choose to rip my very heart out to be put on the front lines of battle, to be riddled with gunfire, trampled in the stampede, and left for dead.

the only hope for my resurrection is the love and forgiveness of Christ. but my sin makes me feel unworthy to accept it - though i have asked, or rather begged, for it over and over. yet despite my imploring, i don't feel restored. any ounce of forgiveness that falls from my Father's tongue and into my heart is immediately devoured by the guilt, fear and shame that won't leave. i need peace but i don't deserve it - i gave my peace away. i deserve the hell i'm in. i deserve this raging storm and all that it brings.

i know that my God is merciful. His Word assures me that His mercy endures forever. i have to believe that - i have to. i don't have anything else right now. i have to know that He loves me in spite of me.

but how do i gather my strength again? how do i stop the trembling from fear and pounding in my head that won't let me rest? how do i stop the tears that i thought i was too exhausted to keep crying, but yet still they flow? how do face tomorrow knowing that tomorrow may very well be more painful than today?

how do i find the audacity to ask God for help when it's my own fault that i'm in trouble?

i feel like i've aged 25 years in less than a week. the sunlight burns my eyes and i'd rather just stay in darkness. i can't even talk to my mom because she hears the tears in my voice and relentlessly asks "what's wrong?" and i can't bring myself to tell her that her daughter may be a mother.

praying Psalm 51 over and over and over. if the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit - a broken and contrite heart, then i pray God receives my sacrifice. a broken and contrite heart are all that i have to give.

i'm trying my best to not hide from the One who can cleanse and heal me. like Adam and Eve who sinned and were made aware of their nakedness and then hid from God in the Garden, i am exposed and ashamed. my nakedness is before the Lord. yet if i hide from Him, i will never be restored. i will never heal from this. i will never be made new again.