emerging (for now)

so much going on. but nothing at the same time. does that make any sense?

here's a peek into my mind's eye today:

1) the dude next to me on the train this morning had breath so lethal that it most likely would have measured 37 trillion Bq on any scientist's radiation scale. probably like what killed the Curies. picture a cocktail of 3-day old, cheap 7-11 coffee, mixed with the morning breath of 6 mornings from 6 different tartar-filled mouths, mixed with garbage baking in a dumpster on a July day in the Arizona desert. it was so toxic that i think it actually altered part of my DNA. the sick thing was that i never even saw him open his mouth - so the distinctive breath funk must have been emanating from other orifices, as if it was so putrid that it hated even itself and was fleeing his mouth and finding freedom through his nostrils and ears.

i think i even lost consciousness once or twice.

2) the hilarity of my life is that nothing that i acquire is ever complete. something is always missing. you know how you picture something to be a certain way (think from the very small things you desire to the very large), you desire it to be a certain way, you request it to be a certain way - but when you get it, it meets only 75-80% of the criteria? that's my life. every day. i don't think i can remember one instance where anything i've received has arrived how i envisioned and desired it to be. i always feel like i'm left "settling" or just saying "oh well...i guess this will have to do," and having no choice but to deal and get over it. and it's frustrating as hell. just once, i'd like to enjoy A, B, C AND D, instead of one of the vital components always coming up short or missing altogether.

makes me wonder if my expectations are too high or if my life was just designed around constant disappointment. it can't be that i ask for too much, because too often i hear people rejoice at how they wanted such-and-such to be this way and that way, and lo and behold, so it was! i've never had that. there's always, ALWAYS something missing. c'est la vie, i guess. well, as least my vie, anyway.

3) i have serious eating/body issues that need to be killed once and for all. the holidays make it worse. at thanksgiving dinner, one of my always-have-something-to-say relatives joked at how i was among the first to have finished my meal/plate. never mind the fact that since i'm vegan, there were only about 4 of the 32 items cooked on my plate to the begin with. no turkey, ham, mac and cheese and all that other stuff for me. so my plate wasn't even a fraction as stacked as everyone else's. that's why i was finished first, smarty-art bast...child of God. but it embarrassed me so much to be called out as having finished first in front of everyone. in my mind, he was calling me greedy and fat. i was bothered for the rest of the day. i don't even want to finish this story.

4) i have to figure out how to tell someone so wonderful, who has very strong feelings for me, that i just don't feel the same way. i'm so afraid to do that. i know people are resilient and stronger than we often give them credit for, but the thought of hurting him makes me nauseous because i do care about him. and i don't want anyone to remember me as the woman who hurt them. what really gets my goat is that i can't fully understand why i don't share in his same feelings, other than the garden variety "it's just not meant to be." he's wonderful. really wonderful. but it's not translating into something for me. i must really suck.

5) i LOVE my new couch. you should come sit on it. it is fabulous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i have a feeling i'm going to be spending a lot more time at home, just so that i can lounge on it and work in that special Dfly booty groove that fits only my sweet little bottom and no one else's. and if i catch my cats scratching on it one more time, it's curtains for them in a very theatrical way.

6) my father is having a health problem. i have to literally force myself to care. when i first found out, i cried. but i don't know why. part of it i guess was out of concern for him, i think. part of it was out of anger. the day my sister told me what was wrong marked about a month and some change since i had even spoken to my father. i can't begin to tell you all how painful and rage-inducing it is to have a father who cares so little about his youngest daughter that he'd actually go months without calling her, checking on her, making any effort to see her, even though i live only 15 mins from him. i'm tired of being the bigger person and reaching out to him. how can you be a man and father of daughters and have no concern for their well-being, safety, or life in general? what father would go months without calling his own child, especially a female child? i don't even know what it would look like to be a "daddy's girl" - i barely have a daddy.

so when i found out he was having health issues, i cried. and i called him immediately to make sure he was ok and to find out what was wrong. now i'm torn between trying to show concern for him and feeling so resentful that he shows none for me. since i found out he was ailing, i've called him at least 3-4 times a week to check on him, see how his doctor's appointments are going, what new developments have arisen, if any. when i called him Monday, before hanging up he said, "ok, i'll call you tomorrow." do you think he did? of course not. and the sad thing is, i didn't expect him to. and didn't even remember that he uttered that mechanical lie until i was moments away from falling asleep for the night, and realized there in the dark of my room that he never called.

he never calls.

so tell me this: where do i find the strength to care for and pray for the healing of a man who shows me no love whatsoever? why should i care? anyone can say what they want: "Dfly, i'm sure your father loves you in his own way, i'm sure he cares for you...blah blah bleh." my reply will always be: "Bull." even animals with no soul show basic care and concern for their young. even atheists with no concept of God and Christ show love and care for their kids. i'm sure even sadistic terrorists have someone in their lives they show some degree of love and care for.

not my father.

so people can say he loves me all they want, but when you love someone, you FIND a way to show it. even a little bit. even when it hurts. even when you don't quite know how. even if you can't formulate the words to say it. a "just checking on you" phone call shows love. a "just stopped by to see you" shows love. a "hey, what's new, how are things?" shows love.

he gives me none of that. if it weren't for me reaching out to him each. and. every. time., we would have no communication. so please don't tell me that he loves me. he doesn't.

my heart is filled with frustration right now because God has commanded me to honor my father and mother. Christ has commanded me to love all men - for how can i love God whom i have never seen but hate my brother whom i have seen (1 John 4:20)? Christ has commanded me to forgive, especially since i fail Him over and over and He forgives me every time i come crawling back. Christ has commanded me to show concern for and visit the sick, to love the unlovable and to bless those that curse me, to do good to them that hate me, for if i only love those who love me, what reward have i? (Matthew 5: 44-46)

but i gotta tell you, being obedient is seeming impossible. every day rages battles between my flesh and my spirit, and i wish i could tell you that my spirit wins out every time. but it doesn't. sometimes i'm so tired that i don't even put up a good fight and i just let my flesh win. i feel heartless. yeah, i'm calling to check on him often and i do care about what he's going through. but i'm finding it oh so difficult to care, like really care. i have to force myself to remember him during the day and call him. i have to force myself to pray for him, because i don't want him taking up space in my intimate moments with God. i have to force myself to visit him and even then, i'm counting the minutes until i can find an excuse to flee to the refuge of my own home.

it is excruciating to try to love someone who doesn't love you. it is enraging to cry for and reach out to someone who acts like you don't exist.

the only reason - ONLY reason - i do what i do is because of my love of and commitment to God. when i chose to follow Him, i chose to obey Him even when it's inconvenient and uncomfortable and downright painful. the only reason i allow my heart to get beaten over and over again is because Jesus allowed His body to be beaten and broken for me. my reasonable service to Him is to be obedient, even when i don't understand why i should have to. and believe me, i've asked.

why God? why should i love someone who doesn't love me? what is it gaining? who is it helping? he doesn't care, he's not receptive of anything that i do. my prayers have seemed futile. his heart is just as stone cold and empty today as it was 10 years ago. and i'm just as invisible to him today as i was 10 years ago. insanity is me trying and trying though i'm getting nowhere.

but God loves me insanely. His love for someone so messed up and sinful like me is insane. His mercy for someone who sins over and over again and who never does enough for the God who saved her soul and gave her life over and over again is insane and unfathomable. God is crazy to love someone like me. He could have chosen anyone to follow Him, but He chose me. there are millions of people out there who do this Christ walk 10, 000 times better than i do - He could use them. but He always uses me. He has NEVER needed me, but He wants me. even when i act like i don't want Him, He never stops wanting me. THAT, amigos, is insane.

and it is because of that knowledge that i have to force myself to do the insane thing and try to be there for a wretched man who shows me no love. i desire to please God, not my father. and i know that God is a rewarder of the faithful. i know that through all of this God will get the glory He deserves and that somehow, someday, somewhere, i will have grown stronger in my walk with Christ, stronger in my fellowship with humans, stronger in my faith and stronger in this life.

that's good to know because right now, i feel exceptionally weak and fragile.


7) i'm about to start taking a belly dancing class in about a week. am i sexy or what? *growl*


i hope all is well with you all. and i mean that. reach out and touch me...i'm here.