i'm sad.

i don't know where i'm going, but i despise everything that's familiar right now. forget the Cheers theme - i wanna go where nobody knows my name.

i don't understand the rules of life. how i'm supposed to be, who i'm supposed to be, where i'm supposed to be. the more i learn, the more i realize how much i don't understand. and feeling powerless and ignorant is getting old.

apparently, i'm not doing anything right because things are a mess. and i don't know if i have the strength to fix anything.

things are crumbling before my brown eyes. i feel a restlessness that is driving me insane.

i hear the call of something but i don't know what direction to turn.

i plot my escape but don't have the courage to carry it out. i could drive to the airport right now and leave this place without a goodbye nor an explanation. sometimes i wonder if anyone would care if i disappeared and was never heard from again.

people say they care, but when they don't show it, does it really exist?

i say i care, but i have a lousy way of showing it too. maybe it's because i really don't.

i have a hard time caring about a lot of things of late. perhaps it's defensive - i stop caring because i don't think they care. why waste all that care on those who don't give it back?

but that's selfish right?

well, i never said i loved anyone perfectly. i don't anything perfectly. except be perfectly a mess.

from where does all the numbness originate? and how to make it fade?

how do you begin to care again when you have un-cared for so long?

or how to you separate fiction from reality - when you've pretended to not care...

...but you really do?

i don't know where i'm going. but i know i need to get there fast.