marathon

"For in many things we all offend. If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man and able also to bridle the whole body."

James 3:2


i certainly haven't learned to bridle my whole body. just when i've successfully bridled one part (my mouth, perhaps), another part of me proves it needs a whupping too (my heart especially). and my heart is the one doing offensive things.

there is one part of me that i can't stand: i have a knack for x'ing people out of my life.

it's not that i don't like people - i do. in fact, i feel pretty safe in claiming that i'm probably one of the friendliest people you'll ever meet. i'm not stuck up or anti-social, i love people of all colors and cultures, i'm warm and inviting, sometimes borderline flirty; i'm forever smiling, i laugh at every thing, and at any given moment you are likely to hear me singing, even at work. i have loads of compassion, and i am generally pretty quick to offer my services to those in need, even if i don't particularly feel like it. to sum up, you'd all love me. for real. and i'm not being vain, i promise. but i'm just a lovable little dragonfly. and come on, WHO can resist a girl with dimples?? :-D

that being said: when someone pisses me off, they are typically d-o-n-e in my book.

i'm your best friend until you cross me. then, it is highly likely that you won't ever hear from me again.

i have trouble getting past people's offenses. i guess i'll have to add that to reasons why i need to pray about my forgiveness issues. i like to tell myself, "yeah i've forgiven such-and-such, but i'm really not feeling being his or her friend anymore." and if i say that, have i really truly forgiven? nope.

i really don't know why that part of my heart is so hard, and therefore so hard to change.

but allow me to make conjectures:

i have extremely high standards for the people in my life who, by nature of our relationship, should be close to me. i don't expect a darn thing from strangers, so if a mere acquaintance (including coworkers because that's pretty much all that mine are to me) or a passerby is rude, less than respectful, or offends me in some kind of way, i don't get too bent out of shape about it.

yeah i might complain for a minute, grit my teeth and have an ungodly thought for a sec, but i get over it quickly. if cared about every stranger/acquaintance who has ever offended me, i'd be in a straight-jacket somewhere. they don't owe me anything, so i don't get surprised when they treat me in a less-than-stellar manner.

but my friends, my family, and people who make it known that they would like to be a regular part of my life (guys and gals alike), i hold to a high standard. and when that standard has been violated, the claws of my heart come out.

i'm not crazy, don't get me wrong. you'll never see me make a scene, i don't cuss people out, i hardly ever yell or raise my voice, and i tend to "just drop it" before things escalate into a full-blown argument. BUT...i will disappear from your life in a minute.

it's not because i feel i'm "too good" to ever be offended. it's because i don't give my love and trust to just anyone. so when i've deemed you worthy of both gifts (because to receive love and trust is to receive an awesome, precious gift from ANYone), and you hurt me in some way, i feel the life lines that have been drawn between us, connecting us, suddenly begin to disintegrate. and when those life lines disintegrate, the walls go up. and when the walls go up, it takes an army to break them back down again.

i've said it before - i'm a hardcore romantic. not just with respect to romantic relationships, but when it comes to friendships and familial relationships as well. i romanticize everything. i idealize relationships. i want the best, i hope for greatness, i lift people up on pedestals. i know it's not the wisest thing to do and is probably why i feel my world crash down around me when someone hurts me. but my heart, even after taking a beating or two, always reaches to higher heights with each new beginning, each new soul. each new person is a clean slate, and clean slates excite me.

but when you've crossed my line, i am ready for you to leave my life. immediately. and don't look back, ya hear?

that really sucks of me, huh?

i've tried to stop being this way. i need to have more mercy, more grace, more forgiveness for people. but man...some people, especially the ones i love, piss me off on a regular basis. there are some people in my life i barely talk to these days. part of me believes that friendships and family relationships are worth fighting to save. another part of me feels...meh. are they?

i've lived for 27 years (not counting the 9 months of gestation) and in my 27 years, i have put up with a lot of bull from a lot of people. and, well, by now, my threshold for bull is intolerably low. i don't leave much room for error. i usually give people a couple of "passes," whereby i try to work things out, talk an issue over, love past the stormy weather. but after than man...you're asking a lot out of me.

"new" people have a pretty rough go of it with me. i have a great deal of compassion for new people trying to establish relationship with me (both interested guys and women seeking friendship). and when i meet new, good people, i get excited. i want to know you, learn you, understand you. and as much as i like to both welcome interested guys (well, some interested guys) and new friendships (especially with women because i don't have very many girlfriends), the trial period of a newbie is pretty short. there's no "test," no obstacle course one has to pass, but you'll know if you've "failed" because you just won't see me anymore.

that sounds so arrogant... and perhaps it is. but i'm incredibly sensitive. i've tried to grow tougher skin, but it only lasts for a short while before it sloughs off and the punk skin underneath grows back. my feelings get hurt very easily. and i tend to be bothered by things most people probably couldn't give 2 cares about. and to make matters worse, it is extremely difficult for me to say to someone, "hey, you hurt my feelings when you did/said that." so i carry it around in me, and it festers to the point of me not wanting to deal with that person anymore.

with a few people, i've tried to do that. i've sat down and had the uncomfortable talk about how something they did/said really hurt me or angered me. and instead of them trying to be understanding of how i felt, the reaction i got was pretty much "well...i don't know why that bothers you so much..." and when i feel like my feelings have been invalidated, in that moment you become the enemy.

so many of my relationships (not just romantic ones) could be so much better if i stopped being afraid to communicate my feelings. if i stopped being so hurt and just loved them through the madness. if i stopped running from uncomfortable situations and deemed some people worth hurting for, worth fighting for, worth leaping out of my comfort zones to keep them near to me.

i believe God calls us to draw near to those who hurt us, not push them away.

seriously, how many times have i myself hurt my friends, my family, and even GOD Himself? more times than there are stars in the sky.

so how do i even have the nerve to be so hurt that i run away from someone instead of drawing near to them? can you imagine what life would be like if God said, "you hurt Me. now get away from Me."

i'd die. yet, knowing how horrifically imperfect i am, and how i desire love and forgiveness when i'm wrong (which is often), i still find it hard to remain close to someone who has wronged me.