just friends, maybe, perhaps...and a bunch of other randomosity plus a whole lotta head shaking

ever experience a particular emotion as a result of a particular situation, and for the life of you, you can't figure out why you're feeling that way?

you know you feel upset, you can't quite label which emotion you feel (probably because it is a mixture of several) and you ask yourself over and over WHY this is bothering you so much, but you can't figure out why?

i'm there right now.

****

i hate when people ask me how i'm doing and don't wait for me to respond before they rattle off every woe in their lives from the time they were born to the present day. let's face it, you don't really care how i'm doing. finish your aria and go home. oh yeah, and peace be with you.

****

on a much awesomer note (yeah it's a word, so hush), i had the greatest 5-hr text message marathon last night. such unexpected openness from him and from me. freedom to express some things i've never really expressed to too many people. it's funny because we've only known each other for maybe 2-3 years now, but for some reason i want to tell him stuff. real stuff. i want to spill guts that i don't feel that comfortable spilling to people i've known all my life. something about him makes me want to be vulnerable.

i'm trying to keep my emotions in check because my overly romantic/dreamer/living in a cartoon/take one idea and run miles with it-self could easily start writing his name decorated in hearts all over my post-it notes like i was in 5th grade.

ok, and i'll confess - our text conversation was the first thing on my mind as i crawled out of bed this morning, smiling and carrying on (and you know who we talked about the entire time? Jesus. how sexy is that? a man who loves and fully surrenders to Christ, AND who just happens to be just as beautiful as he can be??? *shaking my head* y'all just don't know...).

and ok, i'll confess again that once, just ONCE - i promise, that's it, just that one time- i said my first name with his last name JUST to see how they sounded together. WHATEVER, don't act like y'all have never done it!!!

and ok, i'll also confess that i've re-read through every one of those text messages like 30 times.

but whatevs, i don't like him like that...

we're friends, just friends. though there was an incident once, but a dragonfly's gotta keep some secrets to herself.

our friendship is weird, distant but not. it's growing closer of late and i'm grateful for that. he makes me smile. if we end up being just friends forever, that really is ok with me.

maybe.

tee-hee

wait, i thought this post was over but it's not. you know who i can't stand?

Satan.

you know why? because he makes people feel weird, uncomfortable and defensive when talking about anything Jesus Christ-esque. why do people feel so free talking about sex, porn, politics, materialism, debauchery and anything else, but you mention Jesus, God, church, heaven or hell and people shut down and get all creeped out?

you know why else i can't stand Satan? because he has people convinced that being a "good person" gets them a free ticket to heaven, and that hell is only for murderers, rapists, and child molesters. he has people thinking that Jesus is optional, He's only applicable if you're really feeling Him like that. and God is so cool and chill that He doesn't care if you deny His Son, He's still got a golden canopy waiting for you in heaven.

even worse, Satan's got some people believing there is no heaven or hell. or that there's a heaven, but no hell. no consequence, no matter what we do on this earth, there's going to be a happy ending for us all.

*shaking my head*

it's sad. you know how i know i'm maturing in Christ? because i used to not really care about other people's salvation. i used to think, "Hey, if you want to keep on believing that Buddha and Mohammed are gonna lead you to eternal life, go right ahead. do you, boo - that's between you and God. i'm just glad i'm saved!" but as i mature, i honestly feel a deep pain and sadness for those who deny Christ.

when i hear of a person's death, i don't automatically feel sad because they're gone. i first wonder about the condition of their soul at their time of death. and for those that i suspect have died without Christ (i say "suspect" because i have no power to judge anyone's salvation status since i can't see into their hearts), i feel grief for them.

and i know i don't do enough to seek after the salvation of the unsaved. it is hard work that i admit i'm not always up for. those who don't know they're lost don't want to hear about nobody's Jesus. kinda gets on my nerves because Jesus is SO cool. i just wish they knew.

you know what else i can't stand? when people who KNOW i'm about some Jesus try to get me to do stuff they know i don't get down with because of my Jesus. like clubbing and sexing and stuff. this one guy i know really thinks he can convince me that "premarital sex is ok, marriage-splarriage, this is the 21st century, it's your thang do what you wanna do. " and has tried to get me to have sex with him though he knows the Treasury is closed until my "I Do" day. that poor baby...*shaking my head*

but let me ask him to come to church with me and he's all sighs and whatevers and "i don't have to go to church to believe in God" (i just did that funny voice when you imitate someone but it's really not how they sound at all...lol...i'm dumb). get outta here with that, sir. you can't talk about God but you can talk for days about getting some booty. *shaking my head* sometimes i just want to slap people. but you can't, dragonfly, you just can't. maybe Jesus can slap them. if Jesus slaps you, you STAY slapped.

this world is on its way to the fiery furnace at full speed. i'm so happy to be in the Truth.

****
and the Ex Factor called me the other night. i haven't heard from him in months. i didn't answer the call though. left me this weird message. whatevs. such a strange bird is he. wonder what brought him to sea-level this time around. so far my curiosity hasn't won, praise be to God.

****

to be selfless and to forgive are the hardest areas of my life to conquer. sometimes i think the chambers of my heart that house those two things must be made of marble.

i don't always like putting the needs of others before my own. that's hard to do sometimes, especially when the "other" is someone difficult.

forgiveness is something so divine that it can only occur with the help of God. i'm convinced of that. Peter asked Jesus how many times was he supposed to forgive someone who has offended him? up to seven times? LOL...that has always been hilarious to me. Peter was so special...

Jesus said though that we are to forgive an offense/offender not just seven times but seventy times seven. in other words, we are not to keep track of someone's offenses. we are not to number them and determine that after a certain number of wrongs, they are unforgivable. we are to forgive as often as necessary. we are to forgive even those who aren't remorseful, even those who don't deserve our mercy. afterall, when did any of us ever deserve the mercy Christ has shown us? He allowed Himself to be beaten, humiliated, killed, buried and then resurrected, all to save us from our sins. One who was sinless became sin for our raggedy little selves. can't get anymore merciful than that.

so why is it so hard for me to forgive?