the face of the Enemy

the Enemy's face is like a chameleon. it morphs. it changes. it molds itself to fit whatever agenda the Enemy has at that moment.

don't be fooled. the face of the Enemy can be beautiful. the most gorgeous face you will ever see. a beautiful woman, a beautiful man. a beautiful child. the face of the Enemy can be breathtaking, can appear to be everything you have ever dreamed of.

and it can kill you.

it amazes me how many people are willing to die for what is beautiful. how many people are willing to not only destroy their bodies for the pleasures of sex and lust, but also destroy their souls because giving into the lusts of their flesh and sleeping with the Enemy are just that good.

it amazes me how many times people are willing to risk everything to do things their way because waiting for God seems impossible and in vain.

it amazes me how many times i tip toe toward the line and peek over the edge, and contemplate jumping into the arms of the Enemy just to fulfill whatever seems to be lacking in my life.

it scares me to think of how many times the Enemy seems to be more beautiful than God; how many times the Enemy seems to be able to give me way more than God ever has or could; how many times the Enemy comes to me and tries to feed me what it is that my heart is longing for.

we all have a weakness, a button that the Enemy can push, a sore spot that needs comforting. it would be in your best interest to find what that button or weakness is, so that you can guard it.

mine?

my button is the desire for intimacy. i have been plagued by that desire all of my life. since i was a child, i have craved intimacy with others. when i say intimacy, i don't necessarily mean sexual/physical intimacy, but just closeness, that sense of belonging, warmth, connectedness with others.

i have always felt on the outside. even when i was in elementary school, i never felt like i was "a part of." that never went away. and as i got older, my desire for intimacy drove me to near insane behaviors. i gave my body away to guys who cared nothing for me because i needed that intimacy. i hung out with people who betrayed me time and time again because i needed intimacy. i remained in abusive relationships, maintained abusive friendships, degraded myself and allowed others to treat me as though i were nothing, just so that i could be near them.

the desire for intimacy was destroying my soul.

and even now, the Enemy knows that, though my ever-growing relationship with Christ has long-since changed my lifestyles, friends and behaviors, that desire for intimacy has never died. i no longer engage in destructive behaviors chasing after intimacy, but the hunger to be close to people, sometimes any people, is still there. and it's sneaky. it disguises itself so that i don't always recognize when i'm giving into it.

and the Enemy knows that. he knows what my heart wants. so he sends me people who seem to fill that void. and even now, i start to slowly give them control. they see it too, this button of mine, this need for belonging and closeness. and they push my button over and over, pulling at my strings, making me dance, tempting me with promises of intimacy, connectedness, closeness.

and even though i see it happening, i find myself drifting deeper and deeper down that river, being pulled away from The One who can truly fulfill promises, The One whose intimacy costs me nothing but can fill every void in my life, The One to whom being close and connected is always good, is always true, is always pure. and the current is sweeping me further down the river, closer to the Enemy, whose promises are always broken, who can fill no void, who is never good, true or pure, but is always corrupt and full of deceit.

but instead of fleeing, running to the arms of The One who will hide in the face of danger, i nervously walk toward the edge to see if by change it could turn out ok. maybe it's not that steep. maybe somehow it will work out. maybe this is good. maybe this is right. maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe.

my intimacy button caused me to open my heart to someone who can never be who i need him to be. i just want to be held. i just want to feel loved. i just want to feel desired. i just want to feel close to someone, to connect with someone, to talk to someone and have them answer back. the Enemy sent him to me. and i knew it from the beginning. but instead of shutting that door and locking it with the Word, i opened it ajar, hoping to get just a small taste of the closeness that my heart is aching for. just a little, i said. just for now, i said. just for awhile, i said.

true to form, the Enemy gave me what i wanted, but as usual what he brings is a lot of nothingness. i got closeness alright, but no fulfillment. i got someone to talk to alright, but also someone to make me cry over and over. i got empty promises, brokenheartedness, and loneliness disguised as companionship.

thankfully, my Love reminded me in time that with Him there are no maybes. with Him it IS good. with Him it IS right. to Him i can run boldly, not nervously walk. i don't have to question the outcome with Him. though the journey may be uncertain, with Him the outcome is always victory. with Him there may be tears, but there will also be comfort.

my intimacy button