on the shore

i finally understand a rather annoying and frustrating aspect of me and my life:

i'd rather make no decision than a bad decision.

i get it now. seems so simple, but i'm just starting to really understand that side of me and why my life seems to be so....stagnant.

i've made so many bad decisions throughout my years that my fear of doing so again makes me stand still. when i don't know what to do, i freeze instead of risking turning down the wrong road.

i've been frozen for a long time now. i want to start moving again - i really do. but i think i'm afraid to lift my feet. i don't know where they're gonna take me.

i trust that my Father can make all things good. but i remember the pain of those bad decisions. even though He made them good in the long run, there's still that sting of the bad decisions. there's still that uncertainty of consequence. there's still that lingering bad taste in my heart.

i pray for His guidance. sometimes i hear, sometimes i don't. it's the times when i don't that i feel left to my own devices. it's in those times that i stay in my zone.

it's safer in my zone. i've created a space around me like one of those people who has to live in a bubble, protected from the outside world. i don't let too many people in, and i sure as heck don't venture too far away from the coast. the people who knock at my heart's door don't usually get over the threshold. and in those rare instances when someone takes my hand and leads me a ways from the shore, i let go and i run back to the safety of the sand. it's quieter than those waves out there in that big ocean.

and i stand on the shore, and see everyone else swimming in the ocean. and i want it so badly. but my desire to join them isn't bigger than my fear of drowning out there.

for the last several years, i've successfully managed to keep most turmoil away - except a few minor incidences and a few tears here and there - pretty typical stuff. but for the most part, not too much drama.

problem is, the cost of keeping problems at bay is my freedom. with freedom comes risk and the unknown. with freedom comes decision-making. with freedom comes the choice of going here or there. with freedom comes the potential of pain. with freedom comes other people who bring pain.

i don't like it out there on that limb. i've created a pretty little zone for myself.

problem is i don't like it in here either. i'm suffocating. and it's lonely all by myself in here.