i hope they know how blessed they are :-)

i'm lonely.

there i said it.

yesterday, CAG asked me to hang out, so i said 'sure', but told him (via text earlier that day) to let me know what time was good for him, because he was busy doing things. i warned him that if i hadn't heard from him by 8:30, the deal was off.

i set the 8:30 time limit because i can't stand waiting around to hear from people (usually guys) about our plans, only to have them call me at like 10pm talking about, "you ready?"

this fool calls me at 8:20 to tell me his cousin was in town, he was taking his cousin to go get food, then to the airport to pick up his luggage the airline has lost but recovered, and that after that, he'd be ready to chill. yeah right...by then it'd be pushing 10 o'clock. what are going to do then? i do have a job you know. when i was 18, leaving to go out at 10 was cool and fun. but i'm old now. i can't hang that late anymore, especially not on a school night. plus, more importantly "i'm a laaaaaady" (in my Shenaynay voice).

i told him to call me when he was done but warned him that i likely would not feel like going out anymore after all that time (as i was putting my pj's on and thinking about what i was going to have for dinner, already concluding that the jig was up).

lame-o never called me back. why do i even bother?

i was highly annoyed. not because i wanted to spend time with him. but because i wanted to spend time with someone.

i'm lonely and have been feeling that way a lot lately. and even though CAG is a bit 'extra' and not someone i particularly need to be hanging out with, i admit that i like the attention. especially after the shenanigans that ensued last week with the other guy, which left me frustrated and slowly losing respect for every man on the planet.

i know, i know, when i'm feeling this way, i need to dive into the Lord and stop seeking fulfillment in people. and i suspect that the Lord thwarted my plans last night for a reason (which makes me feel special but a little annoyed too, lol - hey, i'm stubborn, even with God sometimes).

but i gotta tell ya, even though i know Jesus is my All in All, and even though He can fill any void and chase away all the lonelies in the world, and even though it may not sound very Christianly to say this, i must be honest:

sometimes, it doesn't feel like it's enough. sometimes i get tired of having to find comfort in prayer alone instead of in someone else. as a Christian, i get tired of everyone expecting me to only fill up on Jesus and pretend that He's all i ever need. sometimes i need people.

i envy those who have someone to come home to, when their days at work are hard, long and frustrating, and they can melt into someone's arms and vent. i envy those who have someone to hold their hands and rub their hair and say it's going to be ok. i envy those who have someone they feel safe with just being themselves around.

and i envy those who don't envy any of these things. sometimes i'm patient and i wait on the Lord to bring these things to pass when He's good and ready. other times, i wonder what in the world is the hold up?

now i have to go repent for all this envy. it never ends, does it?