mysteries

explain to me why, after numerous phone conversations, i finally agree to meet Car Accident Guy (CAG) for dinner yesterday...

....and i spend an hour trying to help him understand why porn (watching it, making it, buying it, anything of the sort) is not a healthy "hobby"? yeah...he likes porn. apparently a lot. i tried to share some Jesus, y'all....i did. because i understand that porn enjoyment (or addiction) comes from a broken place inside. it's not something people just "do" because it's enjoyable to them. there are underlying emotional and most of all spiritual implications that drive a hunger for porn.

so yeah, apparently we didn't crash into each other so we can date. we crashed into each other so that He can come to know Christ and have his whole life healed and changed. that's even better than dating. i'm learning more and more that people are put into my life, not so that i can always find pleasure or fulfillment through them, but so that i can do something FOR THEM.

wow.

i'm not even disappointed about the non-dating aspect of it because i didn't expect anything. years of dating will teach you to approach a first date as just that...a first date, no expectations of what will be.

but yeah, i can see the Lord allowed CAG and i to crash into each other for a reason. we discussed a LOT last night (we hung out for like 3.5 hours), not just on the date but in our prior phone conversations which strongly leads me to believe that he was not led to me as a romantic interest but as someone who is hurting (and doesn't fully see it) and needs a little light and love. i doubt we'll progress beyond more than just friendship, but i hope to continue to share some of Christ's love and Word with him. i invited him to come worship with me, and he said yes! so he's coming to church with me the sunday after next (he'll be out of town this coming sunday)! that's great news!! (thank you Lord!)

i shared some of my testimony with him, he asked me lots and lots of questions about my life that i wasn't shy in answering; i asked him lots and lots of questions that he wasn't shy in answering. and he said he has a lot of questions about God and "religion" (i really hate that word) that i am praying the Lord will open a window for and help me to answer, at least a little bit. and the stuff i have no idea how to answer, i pray the Lord sends someone who can. he even let me play him some TobyMac i was listening to in the car (we sat in my car and talked after the restaurant), and he liked it, LOL.

i felt comfortable with it all. a surprising peace and comfort. all in all, it was a great conversation, aside from him still concluding that porn is perfectly acceptable, natural and healthy for both individuals and married couples to use as "aides". oh Jesus, there's work to be done :-) and it's ok...that was just the intro to what is to come. i hope we continue to talk. he called me in the middle of my work day today just to say hi and see how i was doing. so i guess me and Jesus didn't scare him off and send him running away and screaming. that's great news also.

he's searching for something. if the Lord chose me to help him get there, i have no idea why. who the heck am i?? i don't even know what i'm doing half the time. but i have experiences and knowledge that God has given me that He expects me to use to draw men unto Him. and the more i think about it and how our conversation steered toward Jesus and how He changed my life and how He can do the same for CAG, i'm amazed. speechless.

and i'm scared. really scared.

not that i'm on a mission to save him, i'm not - i don't have the power to save anyone. but just the fact that he asked so many questions and all this stuff came pouring out of me, fluidly, comfortably, and he talked about his life and choices so openly with me and his rationale for it all, and then listened intently as i shared some Jesus Truth with him (like about the porn stuff). and there was no debating, there was just talking and listening, listening and talking. it's like Jesus was sitting right there in that car and was literally molding our conversation with His hands, like the potter that He is. stuff like that both puts me in awe and scares me to death.

it makes Him all the more real. i wish i could make everyone understand how that feels! it leaves me speechless. this person has been brought into my life. and i have a responsibility now. i'm scared of that too. i pray the Lord leads me and equips me however He sees fit. i'm not qualified for anything.