the time of my life

yesterday i swam for 2 hours straight. it was pure perfection. i didn't want to leave.

swimming is one of those rare activities that is both invigorating, heart-rate increasing, muscle-challenging, and yet at the same time, oh-so-relaxing, therapeutic, and calming.

the whole time, i kept thinking "Lord, You never stop amazing me..." as corny as it may sound, something so simple as the fact that water can hold our bodies up, is just phenomenal to me. water has so much strength and energy despite it's fluidity and it's ever-changing, ever-moving nature.

i officially wish i were a minnow.

now, to switch gears completely - what goes up must come down.

why is it that whenever i'm up, it takes only a second for me to be brought down again?

i was fine this morning, not wanting to be here (work), of course, but nevertheless, fine. enjoying the monsoon of a rainstorm we're having, enjoying my little tea biscuits that i made last night, diving into this wet monday morning routine. then my mom calls me. i knew i shouldn't have answered the phone.

i know i sound like a jerk, because it's my mom. and i love and honor my mommy - i really really do. most days, i feel like she's the only friend i have. but she has this lecturing quality that i'm not always in the mood for. especially not at 9:30 on a monday morning.

she asks me how my weekend was and what i did. i told her of my aquatic adventures. she enthusiastically suggests that i invite my sister to join me in my swims - it would be a great activity for us to do together.

*sigh* "here comes the lecture", my brain says, bracing itself for this same talk again. i should invite my sister to swim with me. she'd probably like going with me. it would be something fun for us to do together, she goes on and on. my mother continues on about how my sister and i don't spend time together like we should, as sisters. and as a mother, she can't comprehend that. and how life is too short and it would be tragic if the Lord called either of us home, as days aren't guaranteed to any of us, and we know not the Lord's plans for our lives. and how we wouldn't want anything like that to happen and end up with regrets.

*siiiiiiiiiigh*

this is where i semi-shut down. that all-too-familiar tension, jaw-tightening, feeling of resistance, annoyance and wishing for an interruption so that i'd have to get off the phone were inundating my heart and mind.

my mother never has anything less than good intentions. i know that. she only wants the best for her children. she's concerned, she cares, she loves. but i gotta tell you, this stuff with my sister is getting old. my sister and i have a relationship. we are not as close as most sisters probably are. but we have a relationship. we talk pretty regularly, either via phone or email. we love each other. but that other stuff has caused a palpable bubble between us, that neither one of us seems to be in a hurry to pop. my mother is determined to be that bubble popper. what she is doing though, is making me feel further resistant.

maybe it's a mixture of my stubborn streak, my independent streak, but there are just some things i'd prefer doing alone. maybe it's because growing up, i had no choice but to do a lot of things on my own. my sister is 3 years older than me - not a huge difference and certainly not an issue now, but growing up, a 3 year difference made us worlds apart. she was off with her friends, i was playing alone with my dolls in my room. she was off to high school, i was in 6th grade. she was off to college, i was just beginning high school. i've gotten used to doing things on my own. i like doing things on my own. i don't crave a tag-along buddy when i want to swim, work out, shop.

but my mother constantly sees these as opportunities for me to invite my sister to be my "partner in fun," and takes it upon herself to try to force these outings. all it does is make me want to shrink away. i'm a big girl, mommy.

i love my sister and would never anything to happen to her. and i pray for our relationship to one day grow stronger. but as i mentioned in previous posts, i get tired of being made out to be the one who has caused a distance between us. though i'm not casting stones, my sister created that divide. and though it really doesn't matter who initiated it, the fact remains that there is a bit of a space between us. we love each other, we care for each other, we still have a relationship and we talk....but we're not really friends. we're just sisters - she has her life, i have my life, and the two only really intertwine during family gatherings.

my mother seems to always push the responsibility on me to make efforts to change that. and as i've said before, i can't figure out how i got that role, seeing as how i'm the younger one. and that pushing and pushing makes me want to withdraw from everyone. i know i have to pray away these feelings of stubbornness and resistance - i can't let the devil seduce me into isolation from my family. and i know he'd love nothing more than to perpetuate misunderstandings and negative feelings and cause division.

maybe i feel this way because i know there has to be unforgiveness or something still in my heart. maybe i feel this way because i don't want to deal with sticky issues that i guess never really got resolved. maybe i just want to move on and not have to talk about it all. maybe i'm tired of talking. maybe i like the way things are and don't want them to change, even though everyone says they should (and they're probably right). maybe no one really understands how this feels.

i just ...i don't know. i'm tired of even writing about this. forget i even mentioned it.

maybe i'll go swimming again tonight. praying underwater is pretty cool.