in a bad place

i don't feel so hot today.

for starters, i think i ate too much last night. i'm obsessed with my weight so when i feel like i've overdone it on the calories, i feel panicky. i count calories religiously to 'keep me in line.' last night i think i crossed my line. i can literally feel the calories turning to fat. i'm fighting (demonic) urges to purge. i'm trying not to think about it, but i can't stop. i keep looking up calorie information online to see exactly how much i ate and thinking of ways to burn off the excess (like going for an hour-long walk at lunch instead of eating). most of the time, it's not this bad, but my body image is always at the forefront of my mind. i suspect that when i feel emotionally down, it gets more intense. like today.

to add to it, an important package that i shipped to florida for this meeting today and tomorrow is lost somewhere in transit - stupid useless UPS. 3 of the boxes got there on monday, but one is lost in the wilderness, and useless customer service reps know absolutely nothing. so i'm stressed out, feeling like it's somehow my fault. one of my coworkers who is down in florida starting the meeting had to go to kinkos last night to reproduce the materials that never showed up. i feel awful that she had to do that. not to mention the days of preparation that i spent making all that mess, for it not to even show up. i know it's not really my fault because i don't work for UPS, but because it was in my hands, and i shipped it, i feel responsible. getting the boxes there was my responsibility. they're being cool about it, no one has crucified or blamed me. but i'm sure they're aggravated. i would be too if i spent hours at kinkos re-doing all that stuff at 11pm last night. there's nothing that i can do about it - i can't fly to florida and search the streets for a renegade UPS truck. i have no control - that's what's bothering me the most.

i know to most, this sounds like no big deal or that i'm overreacting. but i can't stand when something that i'm responsible for doesn't get accomplished correctly. i'm a perfectionist of sorts (which is funny because i'm always late - you'd think a perfectionist would be punctual.) whenever a task has been left in my hands, my name is attached to it. they're expecting results. i'm expecting results. people count on me to do it well. when something happens to mess that up, i feel devastated almost. even though i did my part, and once the materials left these doors, it was out of my control, the bottom line is that they didn't get what they needed- whether it was my fault or not. and that sickens me.

going for that walk now - to breathe, clear my mind, and burn some calories.