fumbling my way towards Christ

simple truths and moments of clarity can be way more mind-blowing than anything "deep" or complex. but they can be the hardest to digest.

please bear with me - i may come off as a bit of a jerk in this post.

yesterday, i was asked by a consultant to go pick up lunch from a near-by cafe, for a small in-office meeting. seeing as how this is SO not a part of my job description, i was a little more than annoyed. and seeing as how i've been asked to do this before, several times, i started to feel like my niceness in doing it before without complaining was being abused.

but i took her AMEX card and silently prepared myself to go(pher) my way down the street. before i left the building, i stopped in the bathroom to pray. i was feeling a toxic mixture of annoyance, indignation, being taken advantage of, insulted and tired of always being the low one the totem pole. i started to resent the "higher-ups" who must see doing these tasks themselves as menial and beneath them to do. not to mention all the other million and one things i do around here, often unnoticed, under-appreciated, and un-thanked.

no one was in the bathroom, so i prayed out loud, asking God to calm my inner turmoil. after i took a breath and invited Him to calm my heart and clear my head, i asked myself why i was really bothered. what was it that was really eating at me? and i heard the voice of God speaking so clearly to me: pride.

my pride was (and is repeatedly in this job) hurt. my pride was telling me that i shouldn't have to go get lunch for these people, even if they do tell me to order something for myself too (like that's supposed to help me feel better), because i'm not a personal assistant. my pride was telling me that i'm a sucker for always giving in and letting people take advantage of me, when they could do some of these things themselves. my pride was questioning why, once again, can't they go get their own lunch? my pride was telling me that i'm too educated for this, too intelligent for this, i have too many skills for this. my pride was telling me that these ingrates don't appreciate it anyway, so why bother?

and i heard God speaking again: "Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility; for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble." (1 Peter 5:5). of course, i didn't hear God say this entire, long passage word for word, lol. but He strongly brought to my remembrance the latter portion of that scripture (and i looked it up to get the exact wording).

i don't want God to resist me. i need Him.

i am desperate for Him.

sometimes i really feel like i'm not cut out for life. i often feel invisible, inadequate and inferior. sometimes i feel like my entire existence is one big waste of oxygen and i have no idea where i'm going.

but God reminded me that if i humble myself, He will give me grace . and He has promised to exalt those who humble themselves. He has promised that He, my Father, Who sees in secret will reward openly. He has promised that the meek shall inherit the earth. He has promised that the poor in spirit will have the kingdom of Heaven. i trust in His promises. He doesn't break them, like i do.

He also reminded me, standing there in the bathroom, staring at myself in the mirror and wanting to run away where no one can ever find me again, that we are called to serve, even as Christ served. Jesus, our God, our Savior, King of ALL Kings, Lord of ALL Lords, got down on His knees and washed the feet of His disciples.

who am i, that i'm too good to serve? sure, i never ever mind serving those truly in need (the poor, the sick, the homeless, the hurting, the lonely, the abandoned, the forgotten). but when it comes to serving those that i feel already have too much (like people making six-figure salaries just for dishing out orders to the 'little people' who do all the grunt work), i feel resistant, i feel like they don't deserve my going out of my way, i feel insulted. i feel like they enjoy taking and taking, and rarely do they ever give.

but God has called me to serve. not choose whom i will serve. but to serve. He broke my pride in that bathroom yesterday. and He spoke to me so beautifully - a sound like no other. i asked Him for forgiveness for being prideful, and He cleansed me. i asked Him for strength to do what He has required of me. and i know that, because i always need a refresher course, He will allow this to happen to me again, as many times as it takes, so that my humility can be strengthened, pride can be banished, and so that His word will constantly be on my heart and alive in my life. i know that i'll likely fail again, and He'll be waiting to forgive me again.

I lay down my will to You Lord, and i pick up my cross for You. i admit, that i don't always like what You tell me to do. but nevertheless, not my will, but Thy will. it is all for Your glory.

i'm not seeking to be exalted. i won't serve only to hope that some day, i will be called great. i'm only seeking to be obedient, to please my Father by doing His will, and to be Christ-like, even when it means serving those that i don't want to serve, those who don't "deserve" it by my standards.

but God blesses me daily - and i certainly don't always appreciate Him for all that He is and all that He does. He saved my soul, He showers me with mercy and grace every day of my life. and i didn't and don't and will never deserve any of that. but nevertheless, He does it because He loves me.

i must do the same for others, even when they're at their worst, even when they're undeserving. even when they're unappreciative. because He has called me to serve, and to love.

"where would i be ? You only know... i'm glad You see through eyes of love... a hopeless case, an empty space...if not for grace."