"Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow..."

this morning started off kinda rough:

woke up SUPER late. and the sad thing is, even after i turned on my light and saw that i was waaaay over time, i was so tired that i still laid back down and fell asleep again. LOL being tired makes you not care about reality :-(

i was so tired that when my alarm was going off, i leaned over the side of the bed and picked up the phone. the alarm clock plays the radio when it goes off. so i'm hearing a song playing and my brain translates that into, "the phone is ringing." sadness.

dragging myself around the apartment trying to get ready, feeling agitated and yelling at the cats for being underfoot and following me everywhere, and yelling at the dumb driver in front of me doing everything in her car BUT driving properly and swerving in and out the lane, i felt like i wanted to crawl into a closet and hide in the dark. i literally said out loud, "Lord, this can't be all there is to life." all the running around, speeding off to work, thinking of all the tasks you have to do during the day, running this errand and that errand, running up escalators to catch trains, reading the same gruesome news about who got shot and who suicide-bombed what today...ugh. there has to be more. i'm tired of the rat race. i'm bored and tired.

but Jesus, my beautiful Lord, lover extraordinaire, knows JUST how to kiss me the right way and make me feel better.

not long after i got to work, my VP calls me at my desk and says, "you got a min? i need to talk to you."

petrified, heart pounding in my throat, my brain is racing in 2,398 different directions: why does he want to talk to me? he sounded serious...what did i do?? oh my goodness....Lord help me. please don't let me get fired. dang...he found out i spend way too much time blogging during the day. he's going to tell me i better stop being late to work or else. he's going to tell me i did something wrong that messed up the company somehow. Jesus...i need you!

so i walk the green mile to his office and he tells me to sit on the couch and he closes the door.
he tells me that the company did well this year, better than expected. and therefore they have some extra money to kick around and the CEO asked if there was anyone he recommended should get a little something extra.

and my VP recommended me!

so i'm getting a bonus.

talk about a pick-me-up. that cured all my morning blues! it's not even just the money itself - honestly, money doesn't excite me all that much. it's so temporary and fleeting.

what DOES excite me is the blessing of the whole situation. just to see how, for some strange reason, the God of the universe loves and nurtures me, provides for me, sets things in motion like this OUT OF THE BLUE to lift me up. it's amazing. i've never done anything to deserve His goodness. even on my best day, when i'm nice and good, i dot every "i" and cross every "t"and pray and read the Word, or do a kind gesture for someone, i'm still not good enough for a God so holy and honorable. yet, in spite of me, He blesses me. that's why i love Him - i don't love Him because He gives me things. He gives me things because He loves me. and THAT's why i love Him. that's the kind of love that i remember and hold onto, even when i have dark and desolate days, when the well is dry and the blessings seem few. i don't even know what to else to say....

so... :-)