one-sided relationship

my dad called me today at work. i was surprised - he hardly ever calls me at work. matter of fact, he hardly ever calls me, period.

it's funny that he called because i was just thinking to myself (ok and talking to myself, lol) the other day about how frustrating it is to have a father with whom i barely have a relationship. what's frustrating is having to be the one to always make the effort to connect, when he acts like he's not very interested in having a daughter. however, when i do call, i get the same passive-aggressive speech from him: "i was wondering how you were doing and where you were...i haven't heard from you in so long..." if he's so concerned about my well-being, why doesn't he ever call to find out?

what triggered the out-loud venting to myself was a conversation i was having with my mother on the phone the other day, in which she asked me had i talked to my father lately (fyi, so this isn't confusing, my parents have been apart since i was 10 or 11 y.o. and are both remarried). when i told her it had been a while, she mildly chastised me, saying that i need to call him. i wasn't surprised, as my mother and i have that same conversation quite frequently. but still, it irritated me (though i know my mother means well and is always that voice of wisdom encouraging me to be better, and for that, i do love her dearly), because my way of looking at it is this:

he's my father, yes. so i love him just because he's my father. i would never do anything to hurt him or wish ill upon him. but the man makes no effort to communicate with me, yet wants to put blame on me when i DO call him, saying how he never hears from me. um...last time i checked, phones had the capability of dialing out AND receiving calls.

it really bothers me that he puts no effort into our relationship and that i'm the one doing all the calling, visiting (albeit infrequent visits), etc. i used to stop by my dad's house every sunday after i left church because my church isn't far from his house. i haven't done that in awhile because i allowed my frustration at him to get in the way (which i guess i should really pray about - the bible does say that we are to honor our father and mother). and even though i don't agree with how he handles things, and even though it isn't fair, i should still make the extra effort just to keep communication lines open and just to keep peace.

but like i said, my frustrations with him got the best of me and i stopped going out of my way to go see him. my dad lives all of 20 mins from where i live. in the year and a half that i've been living alone (my sis and i lived together for 2 years) in my apartment, he has been to visit me 2x (3 times if you count helping me move in, which he did while complaining and griping the whole time). and one of those times he came, it was ONLY because my stepmother forced him to bring her by my place because i had just gotten my kittens and she wanted to see them - and he complained about that. he has my home phone number, my cell phone number, my work phone number, and my email address, yet he makes the effort to call me MAYBE once a month, if that. if i didn't call him, we'd never talk.

what bothers me the most isn't so much that we don't talk much but that when we do talk, he's the first one to question where i've been and why hasn't he heard from me. that really irritates me. but after that, i am bothered that my own father makes no effort to check in on me, to communicate with me, to act at all like he loves and is concerned for his youngest daughter. i don't make it a habit of comparing my life to everyone else's, because i know everyone's family situation is different, but with most women i know, their dad's dote all over them, check on them, call them often, visit them at least SOMEtimes. i mean, i'm his daughter - most dad's can't get enough of their daughters. i live alone, i drive, i come home late by myself. you'd think he'd at least call to make sure i'm safe and am doing well - not everyday, but sometimes.

my stepfather treats me with so much more love and concern than my own father ever has, and i've only had a stepfather since i was 19. he didn't raise me, i don't share his DNA, i don't look like him or have his last name. yet he calls me, is affectionate with me, comes to visit sometimes (and he and my mom live almost an HOUR away from me!!). he shows care and concern for my safety; he asks how work is going; he asks about guys in my life and if i'm dating anyone; he talks to me about my plans for the future; when i'm at their house visiting, sometimes, he'll sneak off and i'll discover him outside washing my car for me! when my brakes were worn down, he spent hours changing them for me. he compliments me, tells me how much i have to offer, encourages me, counsels me, listens to me. he never even calls me his stepdaughter - he calls me his daughter when he introduces me to others. he's so awesome - i hope i've effectively shown him just how much i appreciate him

anyway, my bio father never once asks about my life, nor shows an interest in the things that are important to or interesting to me. he lives 20 mins away, yet never takes time to come see me. if i were a betting woman, i'd bet that if you asked my father questions about me, what i like, what's important to me, what do i care about, what are my concerns or fears, what are some of my favorite foods, anything, he would fail that quiz miserably. my stepfather could probably answer most of those questions without much problem at all.

i praise God for my stepdad - it wasn't easy to blend people together so late in life. and i'll admit, he and i had our fair share of differences when he and my mom first got married. it was hard to get used to him and his ways/personality at first (and hard for him to get used to me and MY ways/personality - i ain't the easiest person to live with sometimes). but we're really cool now (especially since i moved out 4 years ago, lol) and i love that he has embraced me as one of his own and really goes out of his way to do things for me and to show his love for me. it bothers me that a man that i've only known for 7 years effortlessly does all that, yet the man whose last name i carry, whose physical features i share, who has known me all 26 years of my life, barely knows me at all, and acts like he couldn't care less.

i've tried so hard to be the bigger person and put my feelings and frustrations aside. and i pray about it because i know God requires me to love and care for others even when it's hard, even when they don't show it back, and to never return evil for evil, but to return evil with good. and He requires that i honor my mother and father. BUT i'll admit that i'm not always obedient to that. while i do love my father, and am never disrespectful to him, my love for him is in a basic, family kinda way - i don't have very much loving feeling towards him. i used to really try to make the effort to see him and call him even though my efforts weren't returned. but i've given up on doing that. i guess i got tired of being the only one in the relationship who seemed to care. i guess i got to the point of thinking, hey if he doesn't care, why should i, see ya when i see ya type attitude. when we go weeks without talking, i barely even think of him. when i need help with something, i immediately think of my stepdad and call him about it. sometimes, i forget that i even have a natural father. i'm awful, right?

i guess he forgets about me too.

but with God's help, i know things can always change. i just have to do my part and be as loving as possible and be obedient to God, even when i don't feel like, even when i'm frustrated, even when my father acts like he couldn't care less. i'm guilty of failing in this regard time after time after time. but with God, nothing is impossible. i just have to keep working at it and praying that i have the strength to do what is right, even if my dad never changes.

and in the meantime, i gotta make sure i let i always let my stepdaddy know just how much i love and appreciate all he does for me. i'm so grateful to God, that even though my real father has always pretty much been absentee, my stepfather is always here. i'm still bothered by that, but very blessed indeed.