amazing grace

i'm learning more and more to have grace for people. wow, what a pill to swallow. and not just any small pill, but one of those gigantic calcium pills that are so huge that you consider just taking your chances with osteoporosis and chucking the whole expensive bottle in the basura.

i think about all the times in my life when i've been way less than good. i've said and done things to hurt people, i've made people cry (even my own mother - i was a 'difficult' teenager sometimes. it STILL breaks my heart to think of my mother crying for me...my God), i haven't always been the greatest friend, daughter, sister, or child of God.

yet, whenever i've come crawling back (to people and to God), i've been forgiven. many people have had grace for me, have had understanding, mercy and love for me. i'm so grateful for that cuz i'd surely be lost without it.

God's grace alone is like water for me - i could never live without it, and i need it daily. i'm such a failure sometimes, and it's only because of Him and His grace that i EVER get back up.

all that being said: i need to have more grace for the people in my life.

i'm sitting here thinking about all the issues in my heart (i SO need to be working - why am i daydreaming and blogging?? i really cannot afford to be unemployed). and among those issues are damaged relationships in my life: my relationship with my father; my relationship with my sister; my relationship with my oldest friend.

my sister and i used to be really close but it seems we've drifted apart as of late. we still talk, but not nearly as frequently. and our conversations these days aren't as open and free and "sisterly" as they once were. sometimes our talks feel...ritualistic, almost as if we just talk because we have to. there have been a few occurrences i think that have changed things between us, which i guess has caused a little gap.

see, i'm the kind of person who has really high (sometimes unfair, i'll admit) expectations of people. my expectations are never outward or material - you don't have to buy me things or anything like that - but always have to do with inner things (character, integrity, mentality, personality, and how all of those things play out into actions and words...things of that nature). and when my expectations aren't met, i feel hurt. very hurt. and that hurt begins to build its own little walls around my heart, to the point where my view of you changes. and when my view changes, my behavior changes. i start to settle into indifference. and indifference is a dangerous road to travel.

i think that's where i am with my sister. same with my friend. (my father is a whole other therapy session). things have happened that have caused me to feel indifferent. i still love them both dearly and would never want them to leave my life. but lately i've been acting like i don't care. i think the parts of my heart that house their names has numbed a bit. ok, a lot. and i need to fix that. i can't allow their imperfections to change my view of and love of them. they are who they are, and i have committed my life to loving them. therefore, i have to love and accept even their faults. even when they suck, as they sometimes do.

which brings me back to this grace thing: the same way that i have so many faults and imperfections, and i hope and pray for people's patience and love while Jesus and i work to improve them all, i need to extend that same grace and mercy to others. if i don't love perfectly, how can i expect anyone else to?

i would be devastated if people lost love or affection for me because of my faults and mess-ups. so how could i dare even walk that line of indifference when it comes to other people and theirs? grace is all about meeting people where they are: recognizing that they, too, are flawed, and even though their flaws and mess-ups may negatively impact me at times, it's all apart of them, life, and love. and even if they hurt me sometimes, i cannot allow that hurt to numb me or cause me to push them away. i guess what really does the pushing is the fear that hurt brings along with it - fear of being hurt again. [Romans 12:21 "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."- of course that is not to say that they are evil, but the whole point is that when people do things to hurt you, overcome that hurt with love and "goodness," not by doing something hurtful in return].

but i have to realize that everyone's perspective is different from mine. everyone's growth, experiences, spirits, hearts, minds, thoughts, personalities are different from mine. so i cannot unfairly expect everyone to think, speak, and act the same way that i would in any given situation - dragonfly didn't write the book on life. therefore, i cannot get my feelings all in it when they are who they are, and do what they do. like my father for instance.

i wish he was different. i pray that he changes. i wish he was more loving, more affectionate, more participatory in our relationship, more interested in my life. but i have to understand that he is who he is because of how he was raised: in a home where a lot of love and attention was not in abundance. while i am fully in the knowledge that Christ can change anyone, despite how they were raised, and that we must grow and mature and not use our past as a crutch to remain unchanged, in the meantime, i have to have grace for him where he is now. i have to look at him with merciful and loving eyes, just as my own Heavenly Father looks at me.

if God became indifferent with me, if he put up a wall between Him and me, if His love of me and His view of me changed every time i failed, where would i be?

I need His grace. and other people need mine.