doomsday dread

another valentine's day approaches and i, of course, have no one special to spend it with. now, i don't put too much energy or thought into the candy-coated faux holiday. but even though it's a totally made-up, commercial day, it's still fun to spend a romantic evening, a flower or two, maybe some wine and dinner, "celebrating" with someone special (of course, i know you can and should do that any day of the year with your someone special), it's sweet, it's fun.

it clearly will be passing me by again this year.

i can't remember the last time i had someone to spend valentine's day with. no wait, i take that back - M was in my life around v-day of 2006. he wanted to spend that evening doing valentine-y type things with me - a concert, dinner, etc. but i declined. i wanted to - BADLY. but i had growing feelings for him - actually i liked him a whole whole major lot - and he was off-limits. so i knew my feelings could never amount to anything. and as backwards as this may sound, i just found it would be too hard to spend such a romantic evening with someone i cared so much about, who i knew i could never be with. it would be like dangling food in front of a person whose mouth is wired shut. it would have made me sad. spending a romantic valentine's day with someone i have to say goodbye to would have been excruciating for me. i didn't wanna get sucked in. he did come to my job with a sweet card and flowers though, which i thankfully accepted. it was a beautiful gesture that i will never ever forget. i miss him. a lot.

still, i was pretty much alone then, and i'll be alone this year too. sucks so much. i was secretly, kinda hoping that Rob and i would be talking and could be each other's valentines. even though i know i could never be with him either, it's different than it was with M because i had no real feelings for Rob. just attraction and a little crush. i really had feelings for M, so it was hard to do 'couple' type activities knowing that we'd never BE a couple and that my feelings were all in vain. with Rob, i knew we'd never be a couple either, BUT my feelings for him were so not anything deep. so i'd be totally down with hanging out on v-day. he may be an evasive jerk, but at least i wouldn't be bored and alone that night. and with no real feelings for him, i'd have no problem with hanging out, all the while knowing that we'd never turn into anything. but of course, i have not heard from him and i'm certainly not holding my breath.

i'm going to try hard to not even think about it. i'm sure i'll do something nice for myself, like i always (lamely) do. buy some wine, some dessert maybe, pamper myself a little. but i gotta tell you, i'm getting pretty sick of being my own valentine.

i wanna hold someone else's hand.