i refuse

i hear the Christmas blues whispering in my ear. i'm not going to let them get me down this year. Christmas is supposed to be about focusing on the joyous birth and life of Christ, about serving others, about loving other as Christ loves us. so i'm trying so hard not to be self-centered as i tend to be, and not focus on how i miss this person, and wish i was with that person. i guess i'm just feeling lonely, again. and once again, i'll have to endure a family dinner with everyone and their husbands and wives, my sister and her boyfriend, and me...just me. i hate that seeing everyone all coupled up makes me feel like a loser, like i just want to crawl under the Christmas tree and hide until it's over.

i have way to much to thank God for, instead of dwelling on my have-nots. and i think what makes it even more frustrating is that there's this guy lingering in my life, who i guess is interested in me, but i just don't feel any kind of way about him. and i can't fake it, just for the sake of having someone. it's not worth the effort. we went out on saturday night and it just proved even further that we are not compatible. the whole night, i could not wait to get back home. and i was kicking myself in the neck for even agreeing to go out in the first place. i gave up a great, cozy night of chilling in my pjs watching Law & Order SVU for a night of fake smiling like i was having a good time, and i wasn't.

sigh - i'm going to find the strength to lift myself up from this funk and not let it overshadow the joy of the season. it's not about me.