mind flow

i'm so sleepy that i would lay on the floor under my desk and have the greatest nap ever if i could.

why does she insist on bringing her granddaughter to work? cute kid and all, really...but this is a place of business, not a day care. i suspect that she thinks we all are so smitten by the girl that she has to bring her here for our enjoyment...SO not the case. we don't care that much, or at all. wish i could tell her that.

macadamia nut coffee - the greatest ever

i don't know why i drink coffee sometimes...i don't drink caffeinated drinks regularly, so my body doesn't tolerate caffeine well. and whenever i drink coffee, it gives me this jittery, heart beating faster feeling. i really should stick to tea...

going to go visit my stepdad and mom today - i told them i was coming, as a belated father's day visit for him, since i spent father's day with my own dad and i don't think any of my deadbeat
stepsiblings did anything for my stepdad at all. and that makes me sad for him.

i'm fighting fatigue though and i reeaaaaaally don't feel like going anymore. don't feel like the 45 min drive to their house, don't feel like the rush-hour traffic, don't feel like being anywhere but in my bed in my sweats. sometimes i hate making commitments. but i have to keep reminding myself that it's to make him feel good, it's to make him feel appreciated and special - and he deserves that.

i have so many dreams screaming to get out of me. the thing is, i don't know how to realize those dreams.

alls i know is, this here job is killing me one day at a time - a slow, tortured death.

this man who looked to be almost 50 hit on me (unsuccessfully) on the train this morning, gray beard and all. i'm interested to know why someone that age would be interested in someone my age, esp. after i told him i was 25. makes wonder...

i wish i could save the world...i really do. i see broken people, homeless people, sick people, lonely people, every where i go. i wish i had the power to help them all.

i'm so tired today, physically, mentally, emotionally. my mind feels heavy and cloudy. just one of those days i guess, but i don't know why. i'm not even pms-ing.

i did yoga the other night, which i've never really done, and i loved it. for the past few days, my muscles have been crying out in pain. i guess i was really working something out.

i desperately neeeeeeeeed a vacation. i wanna go somewhere out of country, by myself, for at least a week. problem is, i can't afford it. sucks so hard.

my sister and i had a great chat the other night. it was about some deep stuff...pretty awesome. i haven't been that raw and open with anyone in awhile. neither has she.

a random woman i'd never met before befriended me on the train yesterday. we chatted until we reached her stop, then she asked for my contact info and sent me an email that morning. maybe i have a new friend in the making? sure could use one. hope she's not crazy or anything...

i don't make friends easily...making new friends scares me about as much as meeting guys and beginning new relationships. i guess i have serious trust issues, and am overly cautious about who i let into my life, even on a platonic level.

i love the Lord with all my heart. i really do. but i'll admit that having faith is so hard sometimes. when you pray and pray and things don't change, it's so easy to give up. i'm so tired. but my love and trust in Him always wins over my weakness and fatigue. i'm holding on even though i sometimes feel like giving up. Heavenly Father, You and only You, deserve this much perseverance.

this woman on the train this morning was having the loudest cell phone conversation. and it was so offensive because every other word from her mouth was f--- this and f--- that. i wanted to throw her under the train. people should realize that not everyone cares to hear their explicit chatter - have a little respect for your neighbors. what was interesting was that many people were giving her dirty looks, but not one person (including myself) spoke up to ask her to stop. i wonder why we sit back and accept instead of standing up and...not accepting? what are we afraid of?

sometimes i wonder who would really care if i weren't here anymore...

this one guy here is so gross and annoying...i can't believe someone once actually married him and allowed him to impregnate her twice. (vomit)

so tempted to cut all my hair off again. i really don't want to start over though, as it's gotten pretty long. but i really miss the simplicity of having really short hair.

my birthday is coming up...that's a scary thought. this year of my life came so fast.

i have seen a TON of pregnant women lately, in the last month or so...people must have been reeeeally busy this past winter :-)

if i were rich, i wouldn't buy a bunch of material things. never really cared about clothes and jewelry and cars. but i wish i had a ton of money to be able to travel. i literally wanna see the world.

my mind is shutting down now...