actively shifting my focus to God and the things of God instead of my life is exhausting.

arresting my thoughts takes second by second attention and dedication. the minute my mind becomes idle, not focusing on the tasks i'm working on at work or not praying, thinking about God or singing, my mind starts to dwell on my circumstances.

and i get overwhelmed with anxiety, depression, agitation and sometimes anger.

i'm full of fears about my friend and i, what will happen to us, what's already happening to us; financial worries and how i'm going to handle all of this; worrying about being a good mommy and properly caring for, nurturing, loving and protecting my baby.

my mind never ever stops going.

right now i'm agitated about stuff with my friend: like his need to sign up for jujitzu just because i'm taking belly dancing - as if he has to compete with me.

his talks of taking a vacation because he needs to "get away from everybody" which im assuming includes me. as if he's the only one who's stressed out. as if i don't feel the same burning desire to flee to some tropical getaway and rest and clear my head for a few days.

but you know what? i can't do that. sure i COULD technically - i have enough money in savings to be able to afford a nice vacation. but i'm focusing on using that money in preparations for our baby. seeing as how maternity leave benefits will only pay 66% of my salary, money is going to be tight. babies need a lot of material things, not to mention the cost of my daily expenses, rent and other bills. so though i DESPERATELY want and need a vacation, and haven't been on one since i was in high school (seriously), i cannot justify spending close to $1000 on a vacation trip when i have a little one to get ready for. i can't afford it.

but i guess he can. either that or he just doesnt' care about saving money and preparing for the expenses of this child. either way, i feel jealous and resentful.

i'm so frustrated that i'm on the verge of tears just thinking about and writing all of this out. there's so much i want to YELL at him, to hash out with him, to tell him exactly how i feel. but i know that if i let my emotions run away with me, i could end up venting my way into a deep hole that i can't get out of. i don't want to further damage what is already a weak link (our "relationship"). i can't afford to do that. but i hate when there's so much left unspoken - like that ECard that i still haven't gotten off my chest. it's been well over a month and it's still bothering me, but i dont 'know how to bring it up. i've prayed about it but i guess the Lord either wants me to keep silent or will allow it to be brought up at a precise time, when He sees best.

i'm so full of frustration that i want to kick and scream.

i hate this because i want to fully enjoy my pregnancy and my growing belly. i reach down and massage my belly, talk to my little baby and imagine the joy he or she will bring. but then i feel a wave of sadness wash over me and i wipe out.

this is all my fault. i can't enjoy pregnancy to the fullest because i got pregnant out of order. i got pregnant by someone i probably was never meant to be with. i got pregnant without God's permission and without a husband who loves and is devoted to me and our family. i got pregnant out of disobedience.

and now i'm suffering because of it. it's exactly what i deserve, this suffering. these tears, this pain, this sadness.

i have no right to complain. sure i can cry all i want, but i deserve this pain. i did this to myself. had i never had sex with him, which was sinful and disobedient, i never would have been subjected to this pain and suffering. i wouldn't be in this situation. i would be making plans for a new job; plans to move out of the state; plans to travel abroad; plans to purchase a home.

those were all dreams of mine before i got pregnant. and now i can't do any of them. all those dreams have died. i killed them with my sin.

and now i have to mourn their loss and move on. i did this to myself and i have no one else to blame but me. not my friend, not God, not satan.

this is all my fault.